How undeserving I've been
Went the OPPOSITE and turned my back on HIM
So quickly I forgot that he breathed life into ME
He caught me before I fell and STOOD me to my FEET
He watched me Pray night after night..
saw that I BELIEVED
When the time was right he did INTERSEDE
and again he SPOKE LIFE
then revealed himself to ME
Angered by how long it took I questioned his INTENT
How it mustve broken his heart to watch me go AGAINST
My praying Ended my heart became STONE
Why Father God would you break up my HOME
No mother No FATHER Dont I deserve LOVE??
I lost sight of my Faith set aside the Lord GOD above
Lost and confused I fell from his GRACE
from one dimension to another till I fell on my FACE
Just when I was DONE couldnt take ANYMORE
Heartbroken,Deserted,I CALLED for the LORD
I cried and I cried Oh Lord GOD How've I sinned
You dont LOVE me Father God Im UNDERSERVING!!
But I give you all of ME, I know U STILL CARE
Every step in the wrong direction I KNOW u were THERE
I know it mustve have hurt you, the things that youve SEEN
But from my Demonds you FOUGHT and DELIVERED ME!!
Once again You SPOKE LIFE oh how You set me FREE
Father what have I done that in ME you BELIEVE!!
For I dont have your EYES so I do not SEE
But you again to your child you REVEALED yourself to ME
So I stand before you HUMBLED and TRUE
As a Witness, your Daughter, dedicating my LIFE to YOU!!
Starting from SCRATCH Do with me what you WILL
I want Talk RIGHT, I want to walk RIGHT I want to MOVE RIGHT
I want to Sleep RIGHT I want to EAT RIGHT
Through ME others will SEE that YOU STILL LIVE!
Monday, September 21, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Blessed and Highly Favored
I havent blogged on here in a while ....wow. It's crazy when I was going through the storm I blogged everyday almost..and now that the storm has passed I havent allowed you guys to see my progress..my attitude and my new beginnings.
I cant even begin to tell you just how blessed I am. My testimony speaks for itself. I went to church today and was reminded just how blessed I am that God took me out of my situation and delivered me from all the hurt and pain and confusion I had been going through. Mmmmmm it feels so good...I feel so free. To think where I would be had he left my side..I thank him everyday I was able to be DELIVERED from my storm with knowledge to not only get back to where I was but knowledge to further myself not only as a woman of God but as a mother, sister, daughter and friend.
I love him because he knew exactly what I needed and when I needed it. If he does NOTHING else for me in my life..he's ALREADY done so much!! Thank you Father!! I give you praise!! Only you know where Ive been and what I've been delivered from...when no one else was there..HE WAS!! When no one cared..HE DID...when I didnt feel worthy enough to be loved..HE LOVED ME..and NEVER turned his back to me..When I'm alone and dont have no one to call on...I call on HIM!! Oh what a wonderful feeling. Order my steps..I know where I came from and will do whatever it takes to WALK INTO MY DESTINY..TO FULFILL MY PURPOSE!!!!
Many of you may not understand where I'm coming from..but it's not for everyone to understand..but the JOY I feel right now..he's is working on me...and I am working on myself...and I'm in a better place all because of him..so I give him all PRAISE. I give myself to him wholeheartedly..for I am nothing WITHOUT HIM!! This life is not my own..I want nothing more than to PLEASE him..to be an empty vessel for him to use..Mmmmmm It feels so GOOD to be in such a space ...a place where you feel acceptance, love and care..enabling you to GROW..Mature..and DEVELOP into a better..patient..understanding..positive Woman.
I'll try to update my blogspot every few days and share my feelings..my growth with you. =) Until the next time..Be Blessed.
I cant even begin to tell you just how blessed I am. My testimony speaks for itself. I went to church today and was reminded just how blessed I am that God took me out of my situation and delivered me from all the hurt and pain and confusion I had been going through. Mmmmmm it feels so good...I feel so free. To think where I would be had he left my side..I thank him everyday I was able to be DELIVERED from my storm with knowledge to not only get back to where I was but knowledge to further myself not only as a woman of God but as a mother, sister, daughter and friend.
I love him because he knew exactly what I needed and when I needed it. If he does NOTHING else for me in my life..he's ALREADY done so much!! Thank you Father!! I give you praise!! Only you know where Ive been and what I've been delivered from...when no one else was there..HE WAS!! When no one cared..HE DID...when I didnt feel worthy enough to be loved..HE LOVED ME..and NEVER turned his back to me..When I'm alone and dont have no one to call on...I call on HIM!! Oh what a wonderful feeling. Order my steps..I know where I came from and will do whatever it takes to WALK INTO MY DESTINY..TO FULFILL MY PURPOSE!!!!
Many of you may not understand where I'm coming from..but it's not for everyone to understand..but the JOY I feel right now..he's is working on me...and I am working on myself...and I'm in a better place all because of him..so I give him all PRAISE. I give myself to him wholeheartedly..for I am nothing WITHOUT HIM!! This life is not my own..I want nothing more than to PLEASE him..to be an empty vessel for him to use..Mmmmmm It feels so GOOD to be in such a space ...a place where you feel acceptance, love and care..enabling you to GROW..Mature..and DEVELOP into a better..patient..understanding..positive Woman.
I'll try to update my blogspot every few days and share my feelings..my growth with you. =) Until the next time..Be Blessed.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
I want my own.
I'm tired of being depressed. I want my own...my very own. I want my own person, my own love...my own family. I want something meant for me. I'm tired of getting everybody else's even when I'm unaware anyone else exists. I dont want left over love...the reminents of a love that was given to someone else..the bottom of the barrel, the scraps.. I dont want a half ass family...the family that only exist in my mind..because at the end of the day...EVERYBODY goes home and it's just she and I. I think I deserve to be happy. ..all the time..not just when someone decides I should be. I just want my own. I cant share anymore...i dont want to share anymore..with anyone. I dont want to just be the mother of someone's child, I want to be a wife, I want to be of some importance, I want to MATTER to someone..I want she and I to be someone's world..instead of my world co-existing with their world with someone else. Tired of NEVER making ANYONE'S cut.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
In repsonse to your BLOG:
Your WROTE:ok shes dogged&&disrespected me enough. i feel its time to stack my claim to all these meaningless people she decideds to air my shit out wit. Yes i asked for kennedy. I wanted My daughter before you knew what she was in your own belly. An yes I started having sex wit you again for all the wrong reasons. But in no way shape or form have i lied to you in any way Lee. You made a choice. I didnt get you drunk and in the heat of the nite try to ravege. I asked you sober and thinkin clear as day did you want to have sex wit me. YOu agreeded i didnt use any trickery. An as far as my daughter and my family are concerned, i have been there beside you since the day that lil girl came home so has my family. im sorry i dont have the resraints that your baby daddy has cause of his seman. When i asked you to be in her life i hoped i would be enough to safice for that jack ass not being around. dont ever try say im not a good partner or parent to you wit k. i take care of her. When i cant get her i dont leave you waiting, i call explain shit. You make it seem like i stand my daughter up on a regular basis, i dont. i call n check on her everyday even when were beefing. even with all the drama and extra bullshit ive gotta put up wit from u. Im there when she sick and in need and when shes fine and ready to play. i know My child. Im not no holiday send some money parent. But do i get any fucking credit. i dont want praise give that to god. i just want your dirty asss mouth to admit it. YOu want to tell this world im not worth a pot to piss in. why dont you tell them about before she got here or even thought of. back to topic
this is what it all comes down to :HEr name is mari.....
this is the reason my baby mother hates my guts. She wants to admit to her that i was sexing wit mari while i was sexing wit her. whatever. you people understand complicated. i n mari have been on again off again for 3 years. however i wasnt sexing them at the same time. i wish.
Bm thinks i was top secrertly seeing mari while we were seeing if a relationship between us would work, needless to say it didnt. and immidetly after we decided it wouldnt work i went back to seeing mari. the shit so complex. but plain n simple i wasnt sexing them both. what happens i a mari briefly are off soooo i asked my bm could we sex with no explaintion of why. at first she said no then a couple days later she said yes. so we sexed as usual wit the baby in the crib sleep. that was that. or so I thought. so now bm talking like you hurt me you lied to me you mislead me. i dont think any of this is true. I think cause we had sex her feeling flared up. an tho i dont know what she expected this is how it is. so now im every name in the book, she dont want to talk. ok. n to add to the problems of other people getting invovled in all my business tellin her shit that aint really got nutting to wit her cause they assume shit. so now ive aired out my own shit now im going to change my world
My response:
Chantel do as you please and tell yourself what you want. I'm tired of being your back up plan, your second or whatever else you want to call it. If you want to be with that ran down, mustashe having, possibly std carrying whore who's fucked half the lesbian community, dated a friend of yours, and used you as her second while she has had girlfriends without admitting it to you until it was too late, FINE. Go be with that bitch. I could give a fuck less. But you got the game fucked up if you think you can choose her over me then come lay in my fuckin bed you tired piece of shit. I'm done going back and fucking fourth with you lying ass. Now all of a sudden ya'll been on and off for 3 years but outta the five years we been friends I didnt hear of the bitch till LAST fuckin year. && when I asked about her you said it was a fuckin thing and that was it. That she played the shit outta you you fuckin LAME. You both deserve eachother. Fuck outta my goddamn face you BITCH! && while your at it tell that good for nothing tramp bitch to give you a fuckin baby so you can get the fuck outta my face. How the fuck do you like me now???? Stay away...far the fuck AWAY from me. Good FUCKIN bye.
Dont call my phone, dont come to my house. I will get an order out against you. && I'll prolly look into it during my spring break. WHORE!
this is what it all comes down to :HEr name is mari.....
this is the reason my baby mother hates my guts. She wants to admit to her that i was sexing wit mari while i was sexing wit her. whatever. you people understand complicated. i n mari have been on again off again for 3 years. however i wasnt sexing them at the same time. i wish.
Bm thinks i was top secrertly seeing mari while we were seeing if a relationship between us would work, needless to say it didnt. and immidetly after we decided it wouldnt work i went back to seeing mari. the shit so complex. but plain n simple i wasnt sexing them both. what happens i a mari briefly are off soooo i asked my bm could we sex with no explaintion of why. at first she said no then a couple days later she said yes. so we sexed as usual wit the baby in the crib sleep. that was that. or so I thought. so now bm talking like you hurt me you lied to me you mislead me. i dont think any of this is true. I think cause we had sex her feeling flared up. an tho i dont know what she expected this is how it is. so now im every name in the book, she dont want to talk. ok. n to add to the problems of other people getting invovled in all my business tellin her shit that aint really got nutting to wit her cause they assume shit. so now ive aired out my own shit now im going to change my world
My response:
Chantel do as you please and tell yourself what you want. I'm tired of being your back up plan, your second or whatever else you want to call it. If you want to be with that ran down, mustashe having, possibly std carrying whore who's fucked half the lesbian community, dated a friend of yours, and used you as her second while she has had girlfriends without admitting it to you until it was too late, FINE. Go be with that bitch. I could give a fuck less. But you got the game fucked up if you think you can choose her over me then come lay in my fuckin bed you tired piece of shit. I'm done going back and fucking fourth with you lying ass. Now all of a sudden ya'll been on and off for 3 years but outta the five years we been friends I didnt hear of the bitch till LAST fuckin year. && when I asked about her you said it was a fuckin thing and that was it. That she played the shit outta you you fuckin LAME. You both deserve eachother. Fuck outta my goddamn face you BITCH! && while your at it tell that good for nothing tramp bitch to give you a fuckin baby so you can get the fuck outta my face. How the fuck do you like me now???? Stay away...far the fuck AWAY from me. Good FUCKIN bye.
Dont call my phone, dont come to my house. I will get an order out against you. && I'll prolly look into it during my spring break. WHORE!
Monday, March 30, 2009
So Long.
After giving it alot of thought and shedding more tears than I would have liked to, I've decided to say Goodbye for good. I've come to a point in my life...like a crossroad, should I stay or should I go?? And I'm leaving. Its been heavy on my mind and I have been struggling with whether or not I would be able to follow through because of how many years we have backing us, but I have to do whats best for me. Stay true to my world however much you may not like it. I have to let you go completely. I no longer wish you into my world your access is not longer granted in my life. Your not welcome anymore. It's not an easy decision for me to make but its one I have to stick to. I know what it is and it will never be how you want it so I think we just need to both accept the inevitable and part ways. I mean it, as sure is the sky is grey I mean it. I dont know how it will be possible with Kennedy involved, but should you choose to stay involved in her life know that doesnt not mean your presence is welcomed in mine. We will have to figure something out. Wouldnt want you to feel trapped. But I cant do it and refuse to try the same way you did. I see the end in the beginning and it's not in your favor. Moving on with my life without you. I will be deleting your my myspace pages, as well as making this blog private. You have the house number, my cell will be changing and you will NOT be notified. If the matter has nothing to do with Kennedy I dont expect to see you or hear from you at all. I wish you well, our season has come and gone. Goodbye.
SUPER MEGA BITCH ALERT!
It's about damn time, I have put up with way too much shit from everybody, cared more about how others felt when they could give TWO count them TWO fucks about how I feel. I'm DONE with it. So Imma air everything out...RIGHT here..RIGHT fucking NOW.
I use you?? FOR WHAT? I dont ask you to do shit, get me shit or anything like that. You dont buy me anything. Havent paid my bill in like forever so tell me how the fuck I use you?? Tell me your not talking about Kennedy. THe daughter you claim as yours...I dont even call that often and I only ask for what she needs. If that is using you I dont know what to day. Carry it like that if you want. Taking it out on K. I wont call about shit in regards to her.
NO she will NOT be getting blessed on Sat. It was not discussed with me before hand and I dont see the point? For what. I'm over all this seperation of people. Either K will be accepted with all that she comes with or I dont need her acceptance at all. I'm not having 3 seperate ceremonies. I postponed her christianing for YOUR mother because I was asked to, changed the date, time and location, sent out the invites only for the shit to be cancelled over something so fucking petty as to whould be in attendance. Shit is so fuckin selfish. Has anyone taken the time to think of what I am supposed to say to my fuckin family to explain why it's cancelled or what bullshit Imma have to go through explaining that shit to his family. NO. Because as long as YOU get what the fuck you want it's cool. How the fuck can you ruin something that is supposed to be a good thing, something where the intentions are PURE and allow peoples selfish wants and needs to interfere with her baby dedication. It's fucking all or nothing. Not to mention I dont appreciate the fact that YOUR mother has made not one attempt to contact me in regards to the situation since I sent the list of names, The situation could have been addressed between she and I but instead she hasnt communicated with me since. All of it is fucking bullshit and I'm over it.
Because you dont like what I have to say or my attitude you take it out on Kennedy. How immature is that. Either your in her life or your not. Your NOT here for me at all so I dont see how my attitude affects you. You dont have to sit in my face, we dont have to communicate other than when it has to do with her so NOT picking her up yestedday when you said you were going to falls back into the pattern we went throught the first couple times we were beefing. You are able to spereate love from sex but you cant seperate my attitude from your willingness to be in her life?? How backwards is that shit. You wouldnt even have this problem if you were being real and fuckin honest from the goddamn jump. But you werent and your not getting away with it. Just the other day you all talking about how you dont want to be with me right now cause you want to get ya life together..blah blah blah...bullshit. You dont want and wasnt ever gonna be with me and you told P and ya mom && whoever else but me. You fuckin LIAR. You bring all the extra drama on yourself and get mad when someone calls you out on it.
I'm tired of trying to make her happy, tired of trying to please her and do things her way when it benefits me none. Im tired of having such fake and phoneyness in my life and in Kennedy's life as well as around my family. You aitn worth a pot to piss in. Keep all the extra shit to yourself. It's time to Respect me because I'm through with it, dont know how to address me in a manner that is appropriate...shut your mouth and dont talk to me. I'm DONE! Shit is about to get REAL fuckin ugly. Attitude on fuckin MAX! Done being everyones fucking doormat.
I'm DONE. && If you aint like me before you sure as hell aint gonna like me NOW.
Sincerely-
NOT GIVING A FUCK*
I use you?? FOR WHAT? I dont ask you to do shit, get me shit or anything like that. You dont buy me anything. Havent paid my bill in like forever so tell me how the fuck I use you?? Tell me your not talking about Kennedy. THe daughter you claim as yours...I dont even call that often and I only ask for what she needs. If that is using you I dont know what to day. Carry it like that if you want. Taking it out on K. I wont call about shit in regards to her.
NO she will NOT be getting blessed on Sat. It was not discussed with me before hand and I dont see the point? For what. I'm over all this seperation of people. Either K will be accepted with all that she comes with or I dont need her acceptance at all. I'm not having 3 seperate ceremonies. I postponed her christianing for YOUR mother because I was asked to, changed the date, time and location, sent out the invites only for the shit to be cancelled over something so fucking petty as to whould be in attendance. Shit is so fuckin selfish. Has anyone taken the time to think of what I am supposed to say to my fuckin family to explain why it's cancelled or what bullshit Imma have to go through explaining that shit to his family. NO. Because as long as YOU get what the fuck you want it's cool. How the fuck can you ruin something that is supposed to be a good thing, something where the intentions are PURE and allow peoples selfish wants and needs to interfere with her baby dedication. It's fucking all or nothing. Not to mention I dont appreciate the fact that YOUR mother has made not one attempt to contact me in regards to the situation since I sent the list of names, The situation could have been addressed between she and I but instead she hasnt communicated with me since. All of it is fucking bullshit and I'm over it.
Because you dont like what I have to say or my attitude you take it out on Kennedy. How immature is that. Either your in her life or your not. Your NOT here for me at all so I dont see how my attitude affects you. You dont have to sit in my face, we dont have to communicate other than when it has to do with her so NOT picking her up yestedday when you said you were going to falls back into the pattern we went throught the first couple times we were beefing. You are able to spereate love from sex but you cant seperate my attitude from your willingness to be in her life?? How backwards is that shit. You wouldnt even have this problem if you were being real and fuckin honest from the goddamn jump. But you werent and your not getting away with it. Just the other day you all talking about how you dont want to be with me right now cause you want to get ya life together..blah blah blah...bullshit. You dont want and wasnt ever gonna be with me and you told P and ya mom && whoever else but me. You fuckin LIAR. You bring all the extra drama on yourself and get mad when someone calls you out on it.
I'm tired of trying to make her happy, tired of trying to please her and do things her way when it benefits me none. Im tired of having such fake and phoneyness in my life and in Kennedy's life as well as around my family. You aitn worth a pot to piss in. Keep all the extra shit to yourself. It's time to Respect me because I'm through with it, dont know how to address me in a manner that is appropriate...shut your mouth and dont talk to me. I'm DONE! Shit is about to get REAL fuckin ugly. Attitude on fuckin MAX! Done being everyones fucking doormat.
I'm DONE. && If you aint like me before you sure as hell aint gonna like me NOW.
Sincerely-
NOT GIVING A FUCK*
Sunday, March 29, 2009
For Fun && Very true
December
Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.
Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.
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