With Love Mimi....

#nowplaying: "All I Have" -Amerie

So much on my mind, it's really crazy.  I have no idea where to even begin..Exes have been on my mind probably because it's the Spring and something about spring motivates people to try to come back into your life, motivates people to reach out..trust me I know because most of them have.  When I sit and think about all the tears, heartbreak..how hard it was to get over each of them, I know it's possible.  This song kind of reminds me of them all bunched together I gave and tried my best but we were all in different places and wanted something the other could not provide.  All the lessons I have learned..gone but never forgotten..they each have special places in my heart, special memories that we shared most of the pictures don't exist anymore, deleted, thrown away, numbers changed..mostly on my part. 

I'll review my past and my lessons..just to get it out of my head & off my brain..

A taught me what being loved felt like but also taught me how to recognize a liar...

L taught me what crazy was, that's it's not ok to put your hands on people and that older people can be manipulative.  L also taught me how to step outside the box, what it was like to live with a person, love a person what a real relationship was.

M taught me that I could be a provider, my generous side came out, I loved all the things M wasn't and in turn M cheated..M taught me how to walk away from something that wasn't good for me and to never look back and I never did.

#21 taught me to try new things, step out on faith, my first long distance relationship, proved me right about them not working but taught me that I could be faithful, I got to travel to see #21, I knew what it was to miss someone.  #21 also taught me to pay attention because when the usual somehow switches up to something different that's what it is && that's what it was. First time I actually caught someone cheating on me.  #21 also showed me a pattern that was used on me && all those after me..that I HAVE to be in a relationship person who jumps from one to the next to the next YET always holding on to the past && trying to find a way to get back..I'm just glad I never allowed #21 BACk into my life.

Eyes taught me it's possible to have a relationship with someone who has kids. Taught me there are a few good peple out there..BUT that they weren't one of them.  My reservations with people with children has nothing to do with the children instead it has to do with the relationship with the other parent.  Caught Eyes in bed w/the other parent..walked away & never looked back

D taught me that the "safe" ones aren't so safe, secretly they play that role but not just with you with everybody. D taught me to expect the unexpected no other lesson other than that....

A came back && taught me people will NEVER change..&& if they do it will be evident in their lifestyle not just their talk..so I WALKED...& kept walking 

C taught me to be friends first..also taught me that people are different when you're friends and when you are involved with the person.  C taught me that friends first can lead to misconceptions,that the person who know's all your weaknesses will play on them.  That it's harder to walk away when you've invested years in a person but that no amount of years will make it work.  C taught me that I needed to place more value in myself, that I was worth more than the way C treated me.  C taught me that it's possible for a person to love your child as if they were their own, that's the most valuable lesson C could ever teach me, the way C loved my daughter, the relationship C had with my daughter was something I loved and adored && valued but C taught me that just because someone cares for your child doesn't mean you have to be with them..doesn't mean you have to allow them to treat you any kind of way.. C taught me that no matter how many times I tried && failed @ walking away ..that it was still possible && that's what I did leaving the remains of a failed friendship, a failed partnership along with pieces of my heart behind..

I've learned so many lessons from all of my experiences, what I want, what I refuse to accept and that it's possible to walk away.  At the times where the relationships came to an end..I cried & I cried..I felt so weak and hurt not knowing that in all my weakness I was strong enough to let go ..not realizing that as I was crying I was steady walking in the opposite direction.. I don't regret anything because I gave "All I Had To Give." 

Lesson Learned: What you're willing to Walk Away from will determine what You will walk into.

with love,

                                                                                          Mimi

Blessed and Highly Favored

I havent blogged on here in a while ....wow. It's crazy when I was going through the storm I blogged everyday almost..and now that the storm has passed I havent allowed you guys to see my progress..my attitude and my new beginnings.

I cant even begin to tell you just how blessed I am. My testimony speaks for itself. I went to church today and was reminded just how blessed I am that God took me out of my situation and delivered me from all the hurt and pain and confusion I had been going through. Mmmmmm it feels so good...I feel so free. To think where I would be had he left my side..I thank him everyday I was able to be DELIVERED from my storm with knowledge to not only get back to where I was but knowledge to further myself not only as a woman of God but as a mother, sister, daughter and friend.

I love him because he knew exactly what I needed and when I needed it. If he does NOTHING else for me in my life..he's ALREADY done so much!! Thank you Father!! I give you praise!! Only you know where Ive been and what I've been delivered from...when no one else was there..HE WAS!! When no one cared..HE DID...when I didnt feel worthy enough to be loved..HE LOVED ME..and NEVER turned his back to me..When I'm alone and dont have no one to call on...I call on HIM!! Oh what a wonderful feeling. Order my steps..I know where I came from and will do whatever it takes to WALK INTO MY DESTINY..TO FULFILL MY PURPOSE!!!!

Many of you may not understand where I'm coming from..but it's not for everyone to understand..but the JOY I feel right now..he's is working on me...and I am working on myself...and I'm in a better place all because of him..so I give him all PRAISE. I give myself to him wholeheartedly..for I am nothing WITHOUT HIM!! This life is not my own..I want nothing more than to PLEASE him..to be an empty vessel for him to use..Mmmmmm It feels so GOOD to be in such a space ...a place where you feel acceptance, love and care..enabling you to GROW..Mature..and DEVELOP into a better..patient..understanding..positive Woman.

I'll try to update my blogspot every few days and share my feelings..my growth with you. =) Until the next time..Be Blessed.

Which is BETTER??

Topic stolen from Necole Bitchie: Is it better to settle for less OR to just be alone??

For all of my followers I'm sure you ALL know I can relate to this topic so that's why I chose to blog about it. I find myself straddling the fence when it comes to this...If I were to be honest..I feel like settling for less is NEVER the right thing to do. So I refuse. I've tried it only ONCE in my life and it was recently. But I was brought up to want nothing but the best...not to settle for what someone will give me. I know my worth. I know I'm a great person I am also very aware of what I lack but I'm sure there is someone who will whole heartedly LOVE me instead of half-assed do the job. Personally being anything other than "THE ONE" && definately being anyone other than the "ONLY" is not for me. It leaves you questioning what wrong and why they behave in a way that they do. It crushes your spirit and make you feel incompetent. && All in all wears on your self esteem and leaves you an insecure MESS! Such a horrible feeling and I'm sorry but fuck being desperate...if they cant give me their all I will pick at how INCOMPETENT they are at fulfilling my need for attention, to exclusivity and ultimately have to walk away. It is NEVER worth it, no matter the sex, how they make you feel at the time, no amount of money...nothing. If your looking to give your heart to someone and to be in a loving relationship how the fuck can you sleep nowing your NOT the main squeeze but the one they are squeezing when they are with you?? What are they bringing to the table?? What makes them so special?? Who are they that you have to compromise what you want and who you are for them?? Why are they worht the compromise yet you werent because they REFUSE to give you what you want. Settling is not being a RIDE or DIE..it's a cop out. If they dont want you now, the wont want you later. How are you comfortable with a glass half full and your needs NOT met?? It's a packaged deal meaning all of nothing...sex will not sustain a relationship...turning a blind eye says a whole lot about what your willing to put up with and your lack of self esteem and self worth..Trust me I know. After so many bad relationships I found myself settling because I felt like something was better than nothing but at the end of the day I felt more emptiness and loneliness after everything was said and done and she went on with her day. Those few minutes will never be long enough...the kisses wont last and the phone calls arent as frequent as you'd like them to be. Who ever said it's better to have loved than to not at all...was lying. They prolly married the shit out their first love. Fuck that..you cant want what you aint had. Not sure If I've ever had the love everyone talks about, the love people are dying to feel and who cares if I never get that..I know I wont settling for what someone choses to give me as if I'm some beggar asking for whatever you can spare.

YOu know being alone isnt so bad people just are used to being with someone and relying on someone to be or bring their happiness when the people themselves arent happy. When you walk away from your settlement..does the person even care?? NO, they are uneffected. They move on as if you never existed and continue with their life. You know...erase, replace, embrace new face..believe you me they do just that. They keep'em lined up waiting for you to realize what you've agreed to and come to your senses. They arent mad tho, usually glad they had you for however long you were brainwashed so they respect your wishes when you decide to move on.

End of story..KNOW WHAT YOU BRING TO THE TABLE..EMBRACE AND LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. LOVING YOU, YOU WILL NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN DESERVING. If they want the ran down, uneducated nothing ass bitches they chase around the streets let them be, they deserve all the hardbreak, hardships and devestation they get for dealing with them hoes, unable to recognize a good thing when they had it and will never come close to touching again. Fucking whores! Sorry ya'll gettin mad personal. Imma end this right quick. Never settle..you may miss ya blessings dealing with the FOOLISH.

Hey Baby..

Just for fun. Nothing too serious. Passing time.

Lemme tell you about my love...
It's WIDER than the Ocean
Deeper than the Bottomless Pit
Forgiving to a fault
Affectionate and Honest
Relentless it's NEVER ENDING...
Easy like Sunday Mornings...
Warm in the Winter
It sees no colors
Addictive
The caffine fix you need to jump start your day..
The pillow you hold when going to sleep at night..
It's like the hit of a cigarette after really good sex
The kiss to your tears..
It's heartfelt
Hard enough..but not too hard..
There when u need it..
&&
even when u dont...
Like the rain hitting your face..
my love is moist
Refreshing....
My love is Gentle, Patient
My love...naw you cant buy it in the store..it's 1 of a kind..
Special just like ME
My Love....

Some People NEVER Change...

Is change possible?? Is it earnest and permanent or temporary. This is more of a Question and Opinion blog. I'll ask questions...&& Then give my Opinions haha. No right or wrong answer.

Honestly I dont think people can change...I mean their age may change, the color of their hair may change, style of dress is ever changing...but the characteristics the possess that make up their PERSONALITIES which defines who they are...WILL NEVER CHANGE. You cant Teach an OLD dog NEW tricks is my motto. Some people are just who they are, they may even possess the WANT to change but are incapable of making it happen. Sad but TRUE. Stuck in their ways..can be seen as stubborn in the beginning but after taking time to get to know them better you know that if they COULD they would but they just cant.

To me Once a cheat ALWAYS a cheat. Once they lied to you...they will CONTINUE to do so. Fist Hit, Smack, or PUNCH will not be their LAST. I wonder if the people who believe that change is possible, believe it because should the change happen it will benefit them in a positive way and acknowledging that such change doesnt and will never exist would be disheartening?? Neyo has a song called Lie to me..Jasmine Sullivan has a similar song as well....About mind trickery...Some People would rather sit together in the dark than to be ALONE in the light.

You wont get far, living a life of lies. Can reform take place?? && If so..wouldnt it just be easier to remain the same instead of fighting the rest of your life NOT to have a relapse?? Not to revert BACK to your old ways?? Because know this...Once you've professed this "change" the first time you "fall OFF the wagon" it'll be like you never got on in the first place.

Your STANDARDS are so LOW....

Lls. I have a few blogs Imma be typing up within the next couple hours...Ewwwww Dont kiss me with those lips *requested by a friend of mine named Netta...&& a few others. Writers block sure has subsided. But I aint mad.

Now yesterday I sorta touch bases with STANDARDS && today I want to elaborate. Ok so as human beings (guys have standards && I dont want to leave them out) we set rules by which we want others to abide by, Criteria that someone who is interested has to meet. Now standards arent just required or should I say set for intimate relationships, we set standards for all relationships..be it friendships or what have you.

Like I stated before, sometimes I second guess myself when it comes to my standards... I want someone to be caring, honest, emotionally connected, goal oriented, fun loving, hard working, possessing a great sense of humor and humility.

Well I find myself scratching off HONEST...because I dont trust anyone..NOT 1 person other than myself. Alot of people feel if it's not talked about it's not a lie but to ME: Omission is BETRAYAL. Point blank. Anywho I find myself dismissing all of my criteria more often than not because I was starting to feel like there was no one out there who possessed such qualities. && Still I have yet to find them but today I'm taking back MY STANDARDS...such a person does exist I just havent been patient enough to let them find me. I will admit I want things when I want them and dismissing my standards have given some of the most inhumane, undeserving people access to me and my heart attracting ALL THE WRONG ONES. && then I sit && cry && wonder "Why me??"

We are setting ourselves up for failure. I was the type of person who wouldnt take any bullshit, didnt believe in break ups to make ups, or sex before a relationship, or even Cuddle Buddies (for lack of a better word) Yet over the years I have found myself to be a willing participant in the behaviors I so strongly protested. I'm sure many of you have. Accepting lies to protect my heart, accepting sex secretly hoping it would lead to what I wanted && wondered why I would always come up short.

Now see..I was LOWERING MY STANDARDS, Settling for less than the best. Allowing others to convince me that they were worth what I then thought was COMPROMISE. But COMPROMISE is comprised of TWO WILLING PARTIES WHO ASSESS THE SITUATION AND MEET HALF WAY BOTH GIVING SOMETHING UP AS A MUTUAL AGREEMENT. Problem was..when I was letting my STANDARDS fall to the ground and crumble...they still had theirs in tote. Whatever motive they had..they still possessed and I was too stupid to see it. Know what you bring to the table && if that person isnt willing to RECIPROCATE (if they dont BALANCE you out) then they arent worth the time to waste.

You can NEVER GET WHAT YOU WANT allowing others to TAKE WHAT YOU HAVE. If a person really cared for you, they wouldnt have to lie, so dishonesty is not an option. They should be willing participants in the "Open Communication" game. If there is no trust..then you have a week foundation. If a person is willing to allow you to change who you are, the characteristics you possess they to me are willing to manipulate you into being whatever they want you to be. If they talk about sex all the time and put pressure on you to have it before you are comfortable and ready...your GULLIBLE && goddamnit I know I am...I didnt use to be that way though..it recent years I called it maturing and now understanding that sex is a part of a relationship...it doesnt make up the relationship in it's entirety. So if it's all they talk about more than likely that's all it will ever be.

Tough pill to swallow. It's not called being Sadity, Egotistical or any other word...Set your standards high because only the QUALIFIED will meet them. All others who complain are angry they cant and may never be able to reach them. Set, && stick by them. If you dont STAND for something you will FALL FOR ANYTHING. Everyone is out for self...NEVER FORGET THAT.

Support, Loyalty and the Cookie

Watching Oprah...really wanting the new STEVE HARVEY book "Act like a Lady, Think Like a MAN." The topics on the show are verrrrry interesting in regards to the opposite sex. Tslking about setting standards and sticking to them. I myself have relinquished my rights so many times && therefore I made myself a throwback fish. They hook me...they reel me in && then when they are done ..they THROW ME BACK. The story of my life. I told myself that relinquishing my rights...was me compromising and not being so stubborn. But Steve brings up the fact that not standing my ground has set me up for failure. That they no longer respect me or my wishes because if they did they would rise to my standards instead of allowing me to lower them.

I'm so about to go out and get his book.

Anway the whole reason why I'm here right now is because of the Support, Loyalty and the Cookie. The supposeded three things guys (in regards to his book) or whomever needs is are those things. They need to know that we Support them in whatever they do, that we have their backs. That our Loyalty lies with them, that we are devoted to them, loving them, caring about them and nothing or noone can change that. But can you be loyal to a fault?? && The COOKIE..is the goods of course they have to have that. Anywho just putting it out there...are those the three things needed to really and truely maintain a happy, healthy home??

Imma go out && get the book. I'm sure his book will provoke more blogging topics as well as be insightful to me. =)

Emotional Rollercoaster

Massive headache right now. Fighting with my emotions. Ugh!Cant stop biting my lips. Like a bad habit you start but dont mean to...& the only way to break it is to brush my lips and reapply gloss. Ok ok so I'm rambling. I dont mean to but I'm trying not to talk about what I really came here to talk about.

I love HER. But does SHE love ME??
Always ALWAYS ALWAYS SECOND BEST.
Good enough to be the friend that you have sex with, the one you lay with when there is no one else. The one you call when your all alone && you cant get to sleep. Yep that's me the Good Ole' friend.

Am I fooling myself?? Is she just a good friend. Am I the one that's wrong?? Everyday I go back and fourth with myself dont know what to do...to stay or go. I know that I cant just be her friend. I know that I want more. But she values me as a friend she feels she can count on...should I punish her for not feeling for me what I feel for her?? I'm so confused.

This person, my friend. Wants me to start a family, build a family with her...not promising any committment..but instead to be there as another parent to my child(ren). Does she just see me as a person to carry out her paternal needs?? Her desires. Why build a family or plan to build a family with someone you havent even decided to be with??
How will I feel when she settles down with someone else and builds a family with them?? What, then, will be my purpose??

I'm rambling on and on because if you've ever been looked over, felt like the rebound, the backup plan...you know how I feel. When will it be my turn...does it even exist when it comes to SHE&I?? I dont know what to do or how to feel && have been struggling with these emotions for quite sometime now. I try to relax && let things happen but after vowing last year after I cried my last tear (or so I told myself) I would keep it moving && never look back =(
And now look at where I am...right where I started...back in the rut..

Stupidly INlove with HER*