Saturday, February 28, 2009

Some People NEVER Change...

Is change possible?? Is it earnest and permanent or temporary. This is more of a Question and Opinion blog. I'll ask questions...&& Then give my Opinions haha. No right or wrong answer.

Honestly I dont think people can change...I mean their age may change, the color of their hair may change, style of dress is ever changing...but the characteristics the possess that make up their PERSONALITIES which defines who they are...WILL NEVER CHANGE. You cant Teach an OLD dog NEW tricks is my motto. Some people are just who they are, they may even possess the WANT to change but are incapable of making it happen. Sad but TRUE. Stuck in their ways..can be seen as stubborn in the beginning but after taking time to get to know them better you know that if they COULD they would but they just cant.

To me Once a cheat ALWAYS a cheat. Once they lied to you...they will CONTINUE to do so. Fist Hit, Smack, or PUNCH will not be their LAST. I wonder if the people who believe that change is possible, believe it because should the change happen it will benefit them in a positive way and acknowledging that such change doesnt and will never exist would be disheartening?? Neyo has a song called Lie to me..Jasmine Sullivan has a similar song as well....About mind trickery...Some People would rather sit together in the dark than to be ALONE in the light.

You wont get far, living a life of lies. Can reform take place?? && If so..wouldnt it just be easier to remain the same instead of fighting the rest of your life NOT to have a relapse?? Not to revert BACK to your old ways?? Because know this...Once you've professed this "change" the first time you "fall OFF the wagon" it'll be like you never got on in the first place.

Ewwwwww DONT KISS ME with THOSE lips!

Hello, hello, HELLO! STD's do exist people!!!! Geeze.

So, alot people see no harm in kissing right?? It's just innocent fun, you didnt have intercourse so there is nothing to worry about right?? What's the harm in a little need for a CONDOM..right?? HELL NO!!!!! Sometimes I wonder that people are thinking when they say some of the things they say, and when they do some of the STUPIDEST things..STUPID people do. I thought EVERYONE had to take a health class before graduating from middle school and then take another one before exiting Highschool right?? I cant tell, some of what I thought to be the smartest people have proven to me, they lack in proper education when it comes to SEX.

Your mouth is NOT off limits..SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES can infect your mouth. Thinka bout it, your mouth is a breeding ground for bacteria. It's warm and moist the same as a vagina ;hence oral gratification. && STD's are transmitted SEXUALLY. && At the very end of ORAL is ??? SEX!! So if you put your mouth on someone who has an STD && knowingly or unknowingly allows you to perform oral sex on them...chances are your mouth will become infected. POINT BLANK. Do your research people please. That's why Dental Dam exist as well as flavored condoms. Protect yourselves.

When you kiss a person you are kissing EVERYONE they have ever kissed in LIFE. I am so sickened by how careless most people are. They dont show much value to their life. Death is inevitable && in the world of STD's pick your poison. && Syphillis doesnt go's only treated && supressed. Long term syphillis can affect the brain and cause all kinds of health problems. Think about who else you kiss or share drinks with..all the innocent who can be punished by such a foolish act. Do you have you kiss them with the same mouth you so willingly kiss other people with having no regard to how it can affect you children. Swapping spit is just nasty to me anyway. When you trust the person then its not so bad but when you dont know where their mouth has been its one of the most DISRESPECTFUL things you can do to your body.

Your STANDARDS are so LOW....

Lls. I have a few blogs Imma be typing up within the next couple hours...Ewwwww Dont kiss me with those lips *requested by a friend of mine named Netta...&& a few others. Writers block sure has subsided. But I aint mad.

Now yesterday I sorta touch bases with STANDARDS && today I want to elaborate. Ok so as human beings (guys have standards && I dont want to leave them out) we set rules by which we want others to abide by, Criteria that someone who is interested has to meet. Now standards arent just required or should I say set for intimate relationships, we set standards for all it friendships or what have you.

Like I stated before, sometimes I second guess myself when it comes to my standards... I want someone to be caring, honest, emotionally connected, goal oriented, fun loving, hard working, possessing a great sense of humor and humility.

Well I find myself scratching off HONEST...because I dont trust anyone..NOT 1 person other than myself. Alot of people feel if it's not talked about it's not a lie but to ME: Omission is BETRAYAL. Point blank. Anywho I find myself dismissing all of my criteria more often than not because I was starting to feel like there was no one out there who possessed such qualities. && Still I have yet to find them but today I'm taking back MY STANDARDS...such a person does exist I just havent been patient enough to let them find me. I will admit I want things when I want them and dismissing my standards have given some of the most inhumane, undeserving people access to me and my heart attracting ALL THE WRONG ONES. && then I sit && cry && wonder "Why me??"

We are setting ourselves up for failure. I was the type of person who wouldnt take any bullshit, didnt believe in break ups to make ups, or sex before a relationship, or even Cuddle Buddies (for lack of a better word) Yet over the years I have found myself to be a willing participant in the behaviors I so strongly protested. I'm sure many of you have. Accepting lies to protect my heart, accepting sex secretly hoping it would lead to what I wanted && wondered why I would always come up short.

Now see..I was LOWERING MY STANDARDS, Settling for less than the best. Allowing others to convince me that they were worth what I then thought was COMPROMISE. But COMPROMISE is comprised of TWO WILLING PARTIES WHO ASSESS THE SITUATION AND MEET HALF WAY BOTH GIVING SOMETHING UP AS A MUTUAL AGREEMENT. Problem was..when I was letting my STANDARDS fall to the ground and crumble...they still had theirs in tote. Whatever motive they had..they still possessed and I was too stupid to see it. Know what you bring to the table && if that person isnt willing to RECIPROCATE (if they dont BALANCE you out) then they arent worth the time to waste.

You can NEVER GET WHAT YOU WANT allowing others to TAKE WHAT YOU HAVE. If a person really cared for you, they wouldnt have to lie, so dishonesty is not an option. They should be willing participants in the "Open Communication" game. If there is no trust..then you have a week foundation. If a person is willing to allow you to change who you are, the characteristics you possess they to me are willing to manipulate you into being whatever they want you to be. If they talk about sex all the time and put pressure on you to have it before you are comfortable and ready...your GULLIBLE && goddamnit I know I am...I didnt use to be that way recent years I called it maturing and now understanding that sex is a part of a doesnt make up the relationship in it's entirety. So if it's all they talk about more than likely that's all it will ever be.

Tough pill to swallow. It's not called being Sadity, Egotistical or any other word...Set your standards high because only the QUALIFIED will meet them. All others who complain are angry they cant and may never be able to reach them. Set, && stick by them. If you dont STAND for something you will FALL FOR ANYTHING. Everyone is out for self...NEVER FORGET THAT.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Support, Loyalty and the Cookie

Watching Oprah...really wanting the new STEVE HARVEY book "Act like a Lady, Think Like a MAN." The topics on the show are verrrrry interesting in regards to the opposite sex. Tslking about setting standards and sticking to them. I myself have relinquished my rights so many times && therefore I made myself a throwback fish. They hook me...they reel me in && then when they are done ..they THROW ME BACK. The story of my life. I told myself that relinquishing my rights...was me compromising and not being so stubborn. But Steve brings up the fact that not standing my ground has set me up for failure. That they no longer respect me or my wishes because if they did they would rise to my standards instead of allowing me to lower them.

I'm so about to go out and get his book.

Anway the whole reason why I'm here right now is because of the Support, Loyalty and the Cookie. The supposeded three things guys (in regards to his book) or whomever needs is are those things. They need to know that we Support them in whatever they do, that we have their backs. That our Loyalty lies with them, that we are devoted to them, loving them, caring about them and nothing or noone can change that. But can you be loyal to a fault?? && The the goods of course they have to have that. Anywho just putting it out there...are those the three things needed to really and truely maintain a happy, healthy home??

Imma go out && get the book. I'm sure his book will provoke more blogging topics as well as be insightful to me. =)

NO Clothes ON!

This Question has plaged my mind FOREVER! Why do females, aspiring models, photographers all think that being a MODEL requires LESS clothing?? How does that make you an different from a stripper, or a SEX SYMBOL?? Growing up all I ever wanted to do was be a model, wanted to walk the RUNWAYS in Paris, that was my aspiration at that time "modeling" was about making the clothes..or whatever..the shoes look good. You were supposed to compliment whatever garment you were asked to sport. During my very first photoshoot I almost didnt show up because he mentioned to me that I had a really nice bikini build and should think about modeling swimsuits. UGH! The very thought of exsposing my body gave me a sickening feeling. I never wanted to be a SEX symbol to have others lust after me or whatever. I was always very cautious of my image, didnt want anything to come back and haunt me if I were to make it big. Always trying to figure out how to make things look tasteful. It wasnt until 3 years I became comfortable enough to even model swimsuits and lingerie.

Anywho after browsing soooo many websites I became OVERWHELMED with ASS SHOTS, HOLDING BREAST...sexually provocative photos of young young girls who really want to break out into the industry but go about it the wrong way. Sorta like how aspiring actresses resort to porn hoping to make it mainstream. It's only worked in Traci Lords favor..&& it took years for her to get there && she still isnt the most respected. I'd like to know what kind of up bringing these girls had, were they raised without a sense of self respect, they have no idea their body is a temple?? Alot of the photographers see their desire to make it big and at any cost and coerce them into participating in projects that have their best interest too far behind.

There is more than SEX that sells. I understand that it may be easier but there is a difference between a model and a video hoe. Between a VOGUE fashion shoot and a MENS MAGAZINE photoshoot that exploits women. I'm not knocking anyone who is aware of the difference and accepts all responsibility for their own images but I think we need to explain to these females once you participate in one that is's hard and more than likely the conventional will never be within your grasp. I was young and foolish will only get you so far. That's what agencies, LEGIT agencies are for. Until the differnce is spelled out...I guess these aspiring models will forever have NO CLOTHES ON!


Ok, so how many times have we been told that we should possess a healthy sexual appetite?? That, obviously the lack of such appetite would lead your significant other astray?? Well lately I've been thinking could there possibly be a downside to that?? Is there such a thing as OVERSEXED??

Can a person feel overwhelmed by their significant others sex drive?? Can their OVERsexual appetite turn someone OFF?? Can their need for sexual stimulation/penetration make a person feel used? Will it take away from the affectionate apsect of the situation?? Such as too much sex && too little affection??
Would it bother you?? or cause the sex to become boring or, "OLD" too soon if you constantly engage in sexual activity??

And for those who possess such a sex drive, is it because that's how they really feel or is it because they think the sex will keep the person?? Trust me if all you have is sex, you dont have much. && If the appetite is soooo strong at what lengths are you willing to take to satisfy this need?? Would you go as far as to say you have an addiction?? && if so, would this addiction lead YOU astray if the need wasnt met?

My conclusion is there has to be a balance because too little or too much is lacking in some other department People seeks out an emotional connection to fulfill their need when they've already met a worthy sexual counterpart. Too much of a GOOD thing is NEVER a good thing.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Role Playing.

I consider myself a bisexual due to the demands society puts on me to choose and define myself into one of the following categories; Heterosexual, Bisexual or Homosexual. I'm a Societal Bisexual, meaning I allowed the pressures society placed on me and adapted a lifestyle that isnt all that fulfilling. It's not that I dont like guys I have nothing against them but they just arent for me. You know the saying "Just because it looks nice doesnt mean it is." Well just because Society thinks it's easier on the eyes to see me with a guy doesnt mean that I should be.

Because I dont want to make others uncomfortable with my sexuality I allow them to make me uncomfortable. Now isnt that some shit. Instead of isolating myself, instead of being comfortable in my own skin, about my own sexuality, I would rather take the easier road and do what everyone else thinks is best. How cowardous of me.

Lost my train of thought...eating lasagna...prolly wont elaborate for a while..dont you hate when that happens...they come && they go blah!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Emotional Rollercoaster

Massive headache right now. Fighting with my emotions. Ugh!Cant stop biting my lips. Like a bad habit you start but dont mean to...& the only way to break it is to brush my lips and reapply gloss. Ok ok so I'm rambling. I dont mean to but I'm trying not to talk about what I really came here to talk about.

I love HER. But does SHE love ME??
Good enough to be the friend that you have sex with, the one you lay with when there is no one else. The one you call when your all alone && you cant get to sleep. Yep that's me the Good Ole' friend.

Am I fooling myself?? Is she just a good friend. Am I the one that's wrong?? Everyday I go back and fourth with myself dont know what to stay or go. I know that I cant just be her friend. I know that I want more. But she values me as a friend she feels she can count on...should I punish her for not feeling for me what I feel for her?? I'm so confused.

This person, my friend. Wants me to start a family, build a family with her...not promising any committment..but instead to be there as another parent to my child(ren). Does she just see me as a person to carry out her paternal needs?? Her desires. Why build a family or plan to build a family with someone you havent even decided to be with??
How will I feel when she settles down with someone else and builds a family with them?? What, then, will be my purpose??

I'm rambling on and on because if you've ever been looked over, felt like the rebound, the backup know how I feel. When will it be my turn...does it even exist when it comes to SHE&I?? I dont know what to do or how to feel && have been struggling with these emotions for quite sometime now. I try to relax && let things happen but after vowing last year after I cried my last tear (or so I told myself) I would keep it moving && never look back =(
And now look at where I am...right where I started...back in the rut..

Stupidly INlove with HER*


An awesome friend, caring and compassionate. A listener and lover of many things....She has captured my heart in an unconventional way being my friend. Not overstepping her boundaries for fear that I may flee, but allowing things to happen in it's own time. As much as I would like to say that what will be will be I cant help but hope secretly that the stars align and she is in my future as more than just my friend. As my lover, a provider for my daughter and that we will emerge as a family. She has the ability to take over my thoughts without even trying to. I don't fear manipulation in the hands of her although sometimes I use that as an excuse to give into circumstances I can no longer fight off due to my feelings. I have never felt so fulfilled yet so confused in my life. I have what she can give right now..and when she's ready hopefully things will work itself out and we will be available to see where it goes.

InLove with She.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Valentine's Smalentine's

I wonder...I spent most of yesterday trying to pretend that it didnt exist, that there was no special meaning to the had no relevance at all...Tried to make myselfl feel better by saying my 6month old daughter was my Valentine lol...she tried ya'll. But forreal I thouoght maybe if I didnt talk about it I would feel any kind of way about it but my sister kept calling me talking about how her guy friends didnt call her blah blah blah ...Like enough already sheesh. How the Hell can ONE ...ONE damn day make you feel SOOOOOO ALONE.....any other day I feel empowered, my SINGLENESS is a stand ...for all the women around the world who refuse to be played by another person who professes a love that doesnt exist....but nope not empowerment..NOTHING but ALONE.....damn.