Monday, September 21, 2009

How undeserving I've been
Went the OPPOSITE and turned my back on HIM
So quickly I forgot that he breathed life into ME
He caught me before I fell and STOOD me to my FEET
He watched me Pray night after night..
saw that I BELIEVED
When the time was right he did INTERSEDE
and again he SPOKE LIFE
then revealed himself to ME
Angered by how long it took I questioned his INTENT
How it mustve broken his heart to watch me go AGAINST
My praying Ended my heart became STONE
Why Father God would you break up my HOME
No mother No FATHER Dont I deserve LOVE??
I lost sight of my Faith set aside the Lord GOD above
Lost and confused I fell from his GRACE
from one dimension to another till I fell on my FACE
Just when I was DONE couldnt take ANYMORE
Heartbroken,Deserted,I CALLED for the LORD
I cried and I cried Oh Lord GOD How've I sinned
You dont LOVE me Father God Im UNDERSERVING!!
But I give you all of ME, I know U STILL CARE
Every step in the wrong direction I KNOW u were THERE
I know it mustve have hurt you, the things that youve SEEN
But from my Demonds you FOUGHT and DELIVERED ME!!
Once again You SPOKE LIFE oh how You set me FREE
Father what have I done that in ME you BELIEVE!!
For I dont have your EYES so I do not SEE
But you again to your child you REVEALED yourself to ME
So I stand before you HUMBLED and TRUE
As a Witness, your Daughter, dedicating my LIFE to YOU!!
Starting from SCRATCH Do with me what you WILL
I want Talk RIGHT, I want to walk RIGHT I want to MOVE RIGHT
I want to Sleep RIGHT I want to EAT RIGHT
Through ME others will SEE that YOU STILL LIVE!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Blessed and Highly Favored

I havent blogged on here in a while It's crazy when I was going through the storm I blogged everyday almost..and now that the storm has passed I havent allowed you guys to see my attitude and my new beginnings.

I cant even begin to tell you just how blessed I am. My testimony speaks for itself. I went to church today and was reminded just how blessed I am that God took me out of my situation and delivered me from all the hurt and pain and confusion I had been going through. Mmmmmm it feels so good...I feel so free. To think where I would be had he left my side..I thank him everyday I was able to be DELIVERED from my storm with knowledge to not only get back to where I was but knowledge to further myself not only as a woman of God but as a mother, sister, daughter and friend.

I love him because he knew exactly what I needed and when I needed it. If he does NOTHING else for me in my life..he's ALREADY done so much!! Thank you Father!! I give you praise!! Only you know where Ive been and what I've been delivered from...when no one else was there..HE WAS!! When no one cared..HE DID...when I didnt feel worthy enough to be loved..HE LOVED ME..and NEVER turned his back to me..When I'm alone and dont have no one to call on...I call on HIM!! Oh what a wonderful feeling. Order my steps..I know where I came from and will do whatever it takes to WALK INTO MY DESTINY..TO FULFILL MY PURPOSE!!!!

Many of you may not understand where I'm coming from..but it's not for everyone to understand..but the JOY I feel right now..he's is working on me...and I am working on myself...and I'm in a better place all because of I give him all PRAISE. I give myself to him wholeheartedly..for I am nothing WITHOUT HIM!! This life is not my own..I want nothing more than to PLEASE be an empty vessel for him to use..Mmmmmm It feels so GOOD to be in such a space ...a place where you feel acceptance, love and care..enabling you to GROW..Mature..and DEVELOP into a better..patient..understanding..positive Woman.

I'll try to update my blogspot every few days and share my growth with you. =) Until the next time..Be Blessed.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

I want my own.

I'm tired of being depressed. I want my very own. I want my own person, my own own family. I want something meant for me. I'm tired of getting everybody else's even when I'm unaware anyone else exists. I dont want left over love...the reminents of a love that was given to someone else..the bottom of the barrel, the scraps.. I dont want a half ass family...the family that only exist in my mind..because at the end of the day...EVERYBODY goes home and it's just she and I. I think I deserve to be happy. ..all the time..not just when someone decides I should be. I just want my own. I cant share anymore...i dont want to share anymore..with anyone. I dont want to just be the mother of someone's child, I want to be a wife, I want to be of some importance, I want to MATTER to someone..I want she and I to be someone's world..instead of my world co-existing with their world with someone else. Tired of NEVER making ANYONE'S cut.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

In repsonse to your BLOG:

Your WROTE:ok shes dogged&&disrespected me enough. i feel its time to stack my claim to all these meaningless people she decideds to air my shit out wit. Yes i asked for kennedy. I wanted My daughter before you knew what she was in your own belly. An yes I started having sex wit you again for all the wrong reasons. But in no way shape or form have i lied to you in any way Lee. You made a choice. I didnt get you drunk and in the heat of the nite try to ravege. I asked you sober and thinkin clear as day did you want to have sex wit me. YOu agreeded i didnt use any trickery. An as far as my daughter and my family are concerned, i have been there beside you since the day that lil girl came home so has my family. im sorry i dont have the resraints that your baby daddy has cause of his seman. When i asked you to be in her life i hoped i would be enough to safice for that jack ass not being around. dont ever try say im not a good partner or parent to you wit k. i take care of her. When i cant get her i dont leave you waiting, i call explain shit. You make it seem like i stand my daughter up on a regular basis, i dont. i call n check on her everyday even when were beefing. even with all the drama and extra bullshit ive gotta put up wit from u. Im there when she sick and in need and when shes fine and ready to play. i know My child. Im not no holiday send some money parent. But do i get any fucking credit. i dont want praise give that to god. i just want your dirty asss mouth to admit it. YOu want to tell this world im not worth a pot to piss in. why dont you tell them about before she got here or even thought of. back to topic
this is what it all comes down to :HEr name is mari.....
this is the reason my baby mother hates my guts. She wants to admit to her that i was sexing wit mari while i was sexing wit her. whatever. you people understand complicated. i n mari have been on again off again for 3 years. however i wasnt sexing them at the same time. i wish.
Bm thinks i was top secrertly seeing mari while we were seeing if a relationship between us would work, needless to say it didnt. and immidetly after we decided it wouldnt work i went back to seeing mari. the shit so complex. but plain n simple i wasnt sexing them both. what happens i a mari briefly are off soooo i asked my bm could we sex with no explaintion of why. at first she said no then a couple days later she said yes. so we sexed as usual wit the baby in the crib sleep. that was that. or so I thought. so now bm talking like you hurt me you lied to me you mislead me. i dont think any of this is true. I think cause we had sex her feeling flared up. an tho i dont know what she expected this is how it is. so now im every name in the book, she dont want to talk. ok. n to add to the problems of other people getting invovled in all my business tellin her shit that aint really got nutting to wit her cause they assume shit. so now ive aired out my own shit now im going to change my world

My response:
Chantel do as you please and tell yourself what you want. I'm tired of being your back up plan, your second or whatever else you want to call it. If you want to be with that ran down, mustashe having, possibly std carrying whore who's fucked half the lesbian community, dated a friend of yours, and used you as her second while she has had girlfriends without admitting it to you until it was too late, FINE. Go be with that bitch. I could give a fuck less. But you got the game fucked up if you think you can choose her over me then come lay in my fuckin bed you tired piece of shit. I'm done going back and fucking fourth with you lying ass. Now all of a sudden ya'll been on and off for 3 years but outta the five years we been friends I didnt hear of the bitch till LAST fuckin year. && when I asked about her you said it was a fuckin thing and that was it. That she played the shit outta you you fuckin LAME. You both deserve eachother. Fuck outta my goddamn face you BITCH! && while your at it tell that good for nothing tramp bitch to give you a fuckin baby so you can get the fuck outta my face. How the fuck do you like me now???? Stay away...far the fuck AWAY from me. Good FUCKIN bye.

Dont call my phone, dont come to my house. I will get an order out against you. && I'll prolly look into it during my spring break. WHORE!

Monday, March 30, 2009

So Long.

After giving it alot of thought and shedding more tears than I would have liked to, I've decided to say Goodbye for good. I've come to a point in my a crossroad, should I stay or should I go?? And I'm leaving. Its been heavy on my mind and I have been struggling with whether or not I would be able to follow through because of how many years we have backing us, but I have to do whats best for me. Stay true to my world however much you may not like it. I have to let you go completely. I no longer wish you into my world your access is not longer granted in my life. Your not welcome anymore. It's not an easy decision for me to make but its one I have to stick to. I know what it is and it will never be how you want it so I think we just need to both accept the inevitable and part ways. I mean it, as sure is the sky is grey I mean it. I dont know how it will be possible with Kennedy involved, but should you choose to stay involved in her life know that doesnt not mean your presence is welcomed in mine. We will have to figure something out. Wouldnt want you to feel trapped. But I cant do it and refuse to try the same way you did. I see the end in the beginning and it's not in your favor. Moving on with my life without you. I will be deleting your my myspace pages, as well as making this blog private. You have the house number, my cell will be changing and you will NOT be notified. If the matter has nothing to do with Kennedy I dont expect to see you or hear from you at all. I wish you well, our season has come and gone. Goodbye.


It's about damn time, I have put up with way too much shit from everybody, cared more about how others felt when they could give TWO count them TWO fucks about how I feel. I'm DONE with it. So Imma air everything out...RIGHT here..RIGHT fucking NOW.

I use you?? FOR WHAT? I dont ask you to do shit, get me shit or anything like that. You dont buy me anything. Havent paid my bill in like forever so tell me how the fuck I use you?? Tell me your not talking about Kennedy. THe daughter you claim as yours...I dont even call that often and I only ask for what she needs. If that is using you I dont know what to day. Carry it like that if you want. Taking it out on K. I wont call about shit in regards to her.

NO she will NOT be getting blessed on Sat. It was not discussed with me before hand and I dont see the point? For what. I'm over all this seperation of people. Either K will be accepted with all that she comes with or I dont need her acceptance at all. I'm not having 3 seperate ceremonies. I postponed her christianing for YOUR mother because I was asked to, changed the date, time and location, sent out the invites only for the shit to be cancelled over something so fucking petty as to whould be in attendance. Shit is so fuckin selfish. Has anyone taken the time to think of what I am supposed to say to my fuckin family to explain why it's cancelled or what bullshit Imma have to go through explaining that shit to his family. NO. Because as long as YOU get what the fuck you want it's cool. How the fuck can you ruin something that is supposed to be a good thing, something where the intentions are PURE and allow peoples selfish wants and needs to interfere with her baby dedication. It's fucking all or nothing. Not to mention I dont appreciate the fact that YOUR mother has made not one attempt to contact me in regards to the situation since I sent the list of names, The situation could have been addressed between she and I but instead she hasnt communicated with me since. All of it is fucking bullshit and I'm over it.

Because you dont like what I have to say or my attitude you take it out on Kennedy. How immature is that. Either your in her life or your not. Your NOT here for me at all so I dont see how my attitude affects you. You dont have to sit in my face, we dont have to communicate other than when it has to do with her so NOT picking her up yestedday when you said you were going to falls back into the pattern we went throught the first couple times we were beefing. You are able to spereate love from sex but you cant seperate my attitude from your willingness to be in her life?? How backwards is that shit. You wouldnt even have this problem if you were being real and fuckin honest from the goddamn jump. But you werent and your not getting away with it. Just the other day you all talking about how you dont want to be with me right now cause you want to get ya life together..blah blah blah...bullshit. You dont want and wasnt ever gonna be with me and you told P and ya mom && whoever else but me. You fuckin LIAR. You bring all the extra drama on yourself and get mad when someone calls you out on it.

I'm tired of trying to make her happy, tired of trying to please her and do things her way when it benefits me none. Im tired of having such fake and phoneyness in my life and in Kennedy's life as well as around my family. You aitn worth a pot to piss in. Keep all the extra shit to yourself. It's time to Respect me because I'm through with it, dont know how to address me in a manner that is appropriate...shut your mouth and dont talk to me. I'm DONE! Shit is about to get REAL fuckin ugly. Attitude on fuckin MAX! Done being everyones fucking doormat.
I'm DONE. && If you aint like me before you sure as hell aint gonna like me NOW.


Sunday, March 29, 2009

For Fun && Very true


Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egoistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

Truer words have never been spoken....

SELFISH IMPATIENT N A LIL INSECURE I Make Mistakes Im Out of Control @ Times Hard 2 Handle, If U Cant Handle Me @ My Worst Thn U Sure As HELL Dnt Dsrv @ my best

Saturday, March 28, 2009

The games people play

In my last blog I was ill-tempered and outrageous, I want to apologize for the way it came out but I dont apologize for the message I was trying to get across. I just feel like if your sleeping with someone and they decide they are going to start talking to someone else you should be made aware of if and allowed to decide whether you want to remain in the same situation. I have a strong fear of diseases and I dont wish to deal with anyone who could possibly be kissing, sucking or fucking someone else. Lemme tell you how trust and honesty go hand in hand in what is supposed to be an Open situation. I dont really know what to call it but ok here: If you decide we are gonna continue to have sex with me I think the least you can do/we can do is to be honest and open about whats going on between the both of us. It's a situation where should we decide to deal with other people neither parties can get mad and I respect that..but when you dont come to me and tell me that your interested in, and pursing someone while your laying in my bed and kissing my lips and fucking me..there is a problem. I should NOT have to find out from anyone else...Why must I always be the goddamn last to know shit. && for the simple fact that it wasnt brought to my attention from jump, I refuse to believe shit you have to say after the fact. I'm supposed to believe you havent been having sex with her?? Yea right. Since when? It aint like ya'll aint had sex before...&& ya'll wasnt in a relationship fuck is stopping you now?? Right. && if you werent even gonna tell me u were dealing with her like that..why should I believe that you would come to me and tell me you are having sex with someone else? If you call yourself being open and honest you shouldnt have to hide shit. && If it's not that serious then you wouldve volunteered the information. All in all it's a lack of respect for me that made you feel as though you have done NO wrong in this situation and that's sad. Your the ONLY person who thinks it's ok and it's not. Pretty pathetic. How the fuck am I supposed to believe you wont bring her around my daughter?? That ya'll not sharing a bed with Kennedy in it?? When you didnt have the decency to keep me informed in the first place. I cant believe shit you say. To me your just making it worst. Omission is betrayal. Not saying the whole truth or volunteering the whole story is lying. I know too many liars and up until now you fooled the shit outta me. Your just like them, no better.

I dont have to be nice to anyone. You hurt me and keep on hurting me knowing that you are HURTING me and expect me to be nice to you. && Claim that you dont mean to but you keep on doing it?? Makes no sense. A contridiction. You dont owe me anything..but I give you the truth..I give you respect and loyalty and all I have ever asked for in our friendship and whatever else has taken place was for the reciprocation and you have failed over and over to give it to me. No more words are left. My loyalty is fading with the quickness, my heart is becoming hardened in regards to you with repeated disappointments and poor excuses of how your not like everyone else. When does COMMON sense enter YOUR picture?? You cant possible be that dumb. U must like the shit outta drama but I spent the last two years trying my best to stay away from it and now dealing with u I'm once again all up in the mix. Never once a heartfelt apology for anything. I cant believe you dont think you owe me that...outta all the shit we done been through over the last 7 almost 8 months...u dont feel responsible for anything?? That's fine. But your burning your bridges for lack of a better word and when she fucks you over and shit dont work out I wont be waiting in the wings for you. So dont look for me. I'm tired of playing this game and I'm over you pretending your innocent and that I brought it all on myself. The same way I was aware of what I was getting myself into although my expectations may differ from yours, you, also, were well aware of the type of person I am and you knew what to expect. You have been around LONG enough to know. Definately feeling some kind of way. And Betrayal is only the beginning of what I feel. Always had your best interest at heart. Always. Feed me lies about how you dont want to bring blah blah blah in my life and how you want to get your shit together...blah blah blah instead of just saying what you really feel..going hard and keeping it 100 and saying YOU JUST DIDNT WANT ME FROM THE BEGINNING. You wouldve saved yourself alot of headaches.

Friday, March 27, 2009


F'n whore! Yo I swear I dont know how I've wronged anyone to keep getting fed all the bullshit I have but I'm done with it. Shorty a liar by omission. Bitch straight feelin herself mad heavy. You got that. Do you lil mama real talk. Lil bitch. Excuse me ya'll but I'm on fuckin FIRE right now. I cant stand people who are dishonest. Liars by not telling the WHOLE fuckin truth..lil bitch had the nerve. I appreciate what you've done for K and all but FUCK you wit a SICK DICK! Dont come around here NO TIME soon. I promised I will LAY HANDS ON U something TERRIBLE. I dont even wanna see ya face till Weds when you come get K. That's if I let u, fuckin slut. Twice tho?? Really?? My friend right?? U dont even know what 100 really is. A conscious?? Fuck ass no you dont possess one of those. Omission TRICK. You tell only the parts that fit into your idea of what the STORY should be. I wanna beat ur body all the rage I feel right now. OUT for SELF aint the word. Everyday I look at you mad different then I did before. Dont feel bad about it, why'd you FAIL to mention it?? I once again look like the fuckin fool...I shouldve known when you referred to me as "the girl." I will punch u in the fuckin mouth. Ya'll not hearing me right now. Ya'll not seeing shit how I see it. Only bitch who think she got game and forever stay caught the fuck up. Some messy shit alawys. But Imma put it to u like this...YOUR NOT WELCOMED IN MY HOUSE. YOUR NOT WELCOMED AROUND MY FAMILY. YOUR JUST BARELY WELCOMED IN KENNEDY'S LIFE. Dont really think I should expose her to such TRASH! Dont come around here till weds, if u attempt to come around or contact me anytime before weds I promise not only will I lay hands on you, I will have you arrested && get a restraining order. Think I'm playing TRY ME!. You fuckin BITCH.

Which is BETTER??

Topic stolen from Necole Bitchie: Is it better to settle for less OR to just be alone??

For all of my followers I'm sure you ALL know I can relate to this topic so that's why I chose to blog about it. I find myself straddling the fence when it comes to this...If I were to be honest..I feel like settling for less is NEVER the right thing to do. So I refuse. I've tried it only ONCE in my life and it was recently. But I was brought up to want nothing but the best...not to settle for what someone will give me. I know my worth. I know I'm a great person I am also very aware of what I lack but I'm sure there is someone who will whole heartedly LOVE me instead of half-assed do the job. Personally being anything other than "THE ONE" && definately being anyone other than the "ONLY" is not for me. It leaves you questioning what wrong and why they behave in a way that they do. It crushes your spirit and make you feel incompetent. && All in all wears on your self esteem and leaves you an insecure MESS! Such a horrible feeling and I'm sorry but fuck being desperate...if they cant give me their all I will pick at how INCOMPETENT they are at fulfilling my need for attention, to exclusivity and ultimately have to walk away. It is NEVER worth it, no matter the sex, how they make you feel at the time, no amount of money...nothing. If your looking to give your heart to someone and to be in a loving relationship how the fuck can you sleep nowing your NOT the main squeeze but the one they are squeezing when they are with you?? What are they bringing to the table?? What makes them so special?? Who are they that you have to compromise what you want and who you are for them?? Why are they worht the compromise yet you werent because they REFUSE to give you what you want. Settling is not being a RIDE or's a cop out. If they dont want you now, the wont want you later. How are you comfortable with a glass half full and your needs NOT met?? It's a packaged deal meaning all of will not sustain a relationship...turning a blind eye says a whole lot about what your willing to put up with and your lack of self esteem and self worth..Trust me I know. After so many bad relationships I found myself settling because I felt like something was better than nothing but at the end of the day I felt more emptiness and loneliness after everything was said and done and she went on with her day. Those few minutes will never be long enough...the kisses wont last and the phone calls arent as frequent as you'd like them to be. Who ever said it's better to have loved than to not at all...was lying. They prolly married the shit out their first love. Fuck cant want what you aint had. Not sure If I've ever had the love everyone talks about, the love people are dying to feel and who cares if I never get that..I know I wont settling for what someone choses to give me as if I'm some beggar asking for whatever you can spare.

YOu know being alone isnt so bad people just are used to being with someone and relying on someone to be or bring their happiness when the people themselves arent happy. When you walk away from your settlement..does the person even care?? NO, they are uneffected. They move on as if you never existed and continue with their life. You know...erase, replace, embrace new face..believe you me they do just that. They keep'em lined up waiting for you to realize what you've agreed to and come to your senses. They arent mad tho, usually glad they had you for however long you were brainwashed so they respect your wishes when you decide to move on.

End of story..KNOW WHAT YOU BRING TO THE TABLE..EMBRACE AND LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. LOVING YOU, YOU WILL NEVER ALLOW YOURSELF TO SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN DESERVING. If they want the ran down, uneducated nothing ass bitches they chase around the streets let them be, they deserve all the hardbreak, hardships and devestation they get for dealing with them hoes, unable to recognize a good thing when they had it and will never come close to touching again. Fucking whores! Sorry ya'll gettin mad personal. Imma end this right quick. Never may miss ya blessings dealing with the FOOLISH.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Is it over yet??

Nearing the finish line...
or am I??
I know there is a couple more laps left that I refuse to run.
Finished with the race.
To be honest, I guess the only reason I was still running was because there was nothing better for me to do.
Wanted to feel apart of something even if that something was nothing.
I'd make it to the finish line to relinquish my newfound title and move on to the next. Because although I hate to admit it...maybe it's a game within myself I've been playing.
I dont trust her..I want to..but deep down inside because she is a liar by OMISSION..
there is nothing I couldve done with her anyway.
My insecurities will never allow me to love her how I want to
Fooling myself into thinking it would be ok
I'd try && see where it went..
Ever get that sick feeling in your stomach
when your nearing the end
and it's like a withdrawl
I feel that now.
I'm not scared anymore
I'm embracing the change
Letting go
tomorrow isnt promised so I'll love her today and for everyday I wake up after...I'll love her alittle less, till it's a mere memory no longer associated with a feeling. How could I feel so strongly for someone who was never mime to begin with. Shit sounds so crazy..even saying it now. Was i confused?? unable to decipher the feelings I had for her as a friend...did I want a "relationship" love so bad I fell for the first person to cross my path?? In love with the thought of being [IN]love? I wonder...then again...I dont. What does it matter. I'm tired of feeling how I feel most days, and wondering all the rest. Gonna go wrap my hair, get in the shower...grab a glass of water and dream about who I will be, how I will feel, weeks, months, years from now if I am so blessed. Dont know what to make of what this nothing I'll just let it be exactly what is was..NOTHING


Ok so while tweeting Tyrese asked a question: Here's a heavy question of the morning...... When you broke up with your X did you run away from THEM or what YOU created in THEM?

I got to thinking right...Alot of people call themselves doing them and feel like you should be comfortable in your own skin, you need to be able to handle yourself and your feelings. Gotta know that your where it's at and carry it like you dont have a care in the world. That's all fine and dandy but that's called a FRONT because when you know that they are talking to, messaging, seeing other people how can you maintain that same cockiness?? Knowing that if you were really where it was at..they would be HERE with you instead of THERE with them whenever they felt. People get mad when you become paranoid and insecure and question things...but if you made them feel like they were the ONLY one in the beginning then you wouldnt have that problem.

If you think about having to protect the persons feelings and call yourself hiding shit..and wonder why they feel some kind of way knowing it is what it is..dont be mad at the monster you created. Not only did you ruin her for yourself but your contributing to the next person's problem. Insecurity doesnt just FALL outta the air. && when honesty is not the option you've chosen to take..dont be mad when she questions why this and why that, what's missing..blah blah blah..

I'm not gonna get too deep. I can relate to this though.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


Immediate occupancy requested.

Job details..
to come when I call
Hold me, kiss me, suck me and fuck me how I want to be done.
Massage my head, tell me you miss me even if you dont.
Make me feel special while your in my presence.
FILL my void with all the sexual gratification you can mustar
Erase HER* from my memory.
Put me straight to sleep.
Cant dream about SHE* in a slumber brought on by an escapade in the heat of the night
Bite me so hard, numb me to all the thoughts, and longing I have for HER*
Make me FORGET
I dont want to think, miss, desire...NOTHING.
Make LOVE?? NO.
Dont do what she would...
Go where she WONT
Hard & Fast
without any connection.
JUST do it.
when I say
HOW I want.
I'm in control
YOUR job
is to ERASE
Temporary is your position
No strings...
Once all feelings have diminished
so will YOU.

Dont catch feelings...
SERVE ur purpose

Merely a BLOG for entertainment purposes ONLY.
An expression of my feelings. NOT to be taken seriously so DO NOT APPLY.
Creative wrting. Use your imagination.

Monday, March 16, 2009

A breath of FRESH AIR*

Still inhaling.
Dee always knows exactly what I need. && She always comes through when I need her to. A friendship I can definately appreciate. =) Talk about an understanding, I never have to go into detail with her..sometimes dont even have to pick up the's like she has ESP, she just knows...&& when I need help..she's always there to rescue me..kidnap me for a couple days, bring me back to life, show me a good time and return me home in better shape than I left.

Movies, clubs, great conversation, even church...
Everything I ask for and a touch of what I need.


I need to get out more often.
She brought back memories of who I used to be, before I became who I am.
I missed her, I miss my life, who I was...I miss not being able to just up and leave when I wanted to escape.


I wasnt ready to leave. Needed just 1 more day, cant wait to go back. Soon come.

Friday, March 13, 2009

I'll LOVE you today, I'll LOVE you tomorrow

There is nothing I can do..
Tired of battling myself..
I'mma just give in to what my heart wants
and should the outcome not result
in what I want..
I'll allow my mind to find some way to justify
what went wrong.

I feel deeply for you.
This I'm sure you know.
Sometimes I get confused
should I stay or should I go
But I dont want to leave..
So I'll be patient with you..
Love didnt happen overnite,
I dont expect a relationship to.

I'll love you today, I'll love you tomorrow.


I've been here BEFORE, ugh!
And it's killing me.
Dont know if I should wait it out
and see what happens or if I should just GO and never look back =(
Your confusing.
My being so willing to take any glimpse of HOPE with me
to keep me company on such a long wait...
But in so many words you KEEP saying..
..this time
I'm catching the first bus out of this HEARTBREAK CITY
listening to sad love songs on my ipod
such a long ride ahead of me....
Healing and Personal growth.
If I can just get out of this forest of love driven vines
these untrustworthy trees..
they cloud my vision
Dont want me to LOVE U
I wont
Have it ur way...
86 me!
I cant make shit happen
if it aint there it aint
but then what the fuck am I feeling??
Thought I mightve been special
What a DIFFY I've been
A deeper bound
thought I may have meant a little more
thought we connect on a intellectual, and emotional level
thought it MEANT SOMETHING..
not fulfilling enough?
yea I'm sure.
You've got your pick of the litter...
why WOULD u want me..
I cant think of one good reason
nothing to set me apart from the rest
not in a positive way anyway..
I'll miss your kisses, your arms holding me close.
But this is what you want.
FOr me to be on my way
I'm sure you'd see me off if you could
but preoccupied by the MRS. huh
I understand.
Tell her I said
Must be nice to have the
UNATTAINABLE's attention...
wish it coulve been me.

Never knew a love like this...

I have never been so overwhelmed with feelings of possibilty
Never in a millions years, this outcome did I foresee
I've NEVER knew a love so PURE and unconditional
Never EVER for another's life did I think I'm be responsible
The reason I wake up, a reason to push harder
She's where I find my smile thru tears, in my heart of hearts I heart her
I've never felt more alive, && everyday is not easy
But for her I'll find a way, I do my best because she needs me.
A devotion so deep, her presence doubles her size
Unjudgemental, with a serene demeanor, my joy and my pride.
Someone who finally loves me for me, seeing through the truest of eyes
A love renewed, a heart fulfilled, a love ALL MINE.
I'll be there to quench any thirst, to all tears will I dry
answering all coos, and moans, whimpers and cries
Holding her tight, rejoicing in her tiny little life
Giving her the BEST of me, nothing will she be denied.
My piece of mind, my rainbow , my moon, my shining star!
For her I'd walk a thousand miles just to catch her when she falls
Bringing about a more caring, sensitive, the softer side of me
No amount of words can describe what it feels like to be HER* mommy.
I'll be there for her first words, first steps, to pop her legs when she has a fit
to read her stories, kiss all boo boos, && let her know what a gift from god she is
A life created by me, I'd do anything for her hug and her kiss
I promise I'll always be here, for I NEVER knew a love like THIS*

For My Kennedy*

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

It's ALWAYS me..

I brought all of this on myself right??
I'm the one giving off attitude right??
I'm making this difficult huh?

Song on repeat, crying myself to sleep. Fighting back tears in public.

This is ALL my fault. TO please you I must nod yes when I want to shake my head no.
I must smile when really I want to break down in cry.
I have to be silent when really I want to scream LOUDLY.

I cant be ME. I have to be who you want me to be when you call, when you come around, the REAL me has to hide.

I just want to cry till there are no tears left to fall, to scream until no sound will come out, I want to go away until I'm better. I want a better solution then the one I already have. I want answers to my damn questions that I dont even want to ask anymore. Before I didnt smile but I wasnt frowing I'm saddened by this LIE.

You dont see it as such because it's what you want, but it's a lie. What would your advice be to me if I were to go to you as a friend?? How would you want me to handle this situation if the circumstances were the same but it was Candice instead , or Mishaun instead of U. You cant answer fairly. When have you EVER apologized to me for how you've made me feel?? NEVER right?? Because you are NEVER wrong. My feelings are irrational.

How much of a friend are you to me if you arent even honest about what's going on in your life?? You claim we are so close but taking phone calls in other rooms, ignoring calls in my presence, you inability to address the situation yesterday regarding your eye tells it all. But we are friends right?? So can I ask you why sometimes I see you wearing a ring on your wedding finger now more than ever?? I have class, but I got 50 questions that I want answered with more than just 1 word.


As many of you know, I am going through something in my personal life that I'm trying very hard to deal with by myself. I came across a quote on someone's page supposedly by Marilyn Monroe

"People CHANGE so you can learn to LET GO.
Things go WRONG so you can appreciate them when they are RIGHT.
You believes LIES so eventually you will learn to TRUST no one but yourself.
And sometimes good things FALL APART, so that better ones can FALL TOGETHER."

And I also LOVE this one by MAYA ANGELOU

"I've learned that people will FORGET what you SAID,
people will FORGET what you DID,
BUT people will NEVER forget how YOU made them FEEL."

Very true. && Sometimes that's not always a good thing.

Monday, March 9, 2009

This is ME

I am tired of people saying whatever they want to me, talk to me any kind of way, call me all kinds of names, basicallly expose their real feelings about me when they are upset. I thinks it's bullshit. I dont consider any of them my friends. What you think because I have an attitude, and you dont like it, you can call me a bitch?? You dont like something I said, so you can come at my sideways?? I cant have a bad day?? I cant be upset?? I cant express how I feel?? I dont need anyone. I dont need the fake friendships, the misunderstanding, I dont need nor do I want to be the reciver of all the negative things you have to say. I have been ME, attitude and all, since day one. && If you couldnt handle it then you should have walked away. My being upset doesnt make me BIPOLAR, doesnt make me a bad person. I'm tired of feeling like I cant be myself around anyone. I'm tired of everything. I dont want nothing to do with anyone. Only god can judge me. If I have something to say I dont wait until we have a falling out to say it. And all of the feelings expressed leads me to think you DONT LIKE WHO I AM and if that's the case PLEASE i beg of you to go about your business. Go away.

I am and make no apologies for being emotional or attitude prone, it's ME. i dont expect ANYONE to understand. I was brought into this world and Imma die alone and that's just what it is. I'm not crazy, I'm not bipolar, dont disrespect me by calling me out of my name. I cant take this anymore. I dont need this shit.

If there was a song to best describe how I feel

It would be the right side of my brain by the dream. None of the website that I went to featured the right lyrics and any mistakes would take away from the true meaning of the song.

Imma be ok. I know I am. Looking forward to moving on with my life. I'm an amazing person and I deserve the best, my souls recognition of it's counterpart. People say what they want, treat you how they want and it's unfair. I've been every bitch in the book; my name is Shameka && I'm sorry if you dont like my interpretation of who you are. But it's truth to me. I will be someones PRIORITY, not their SECRET. I will MATTER, I wont be a BACK-UP, a JUST IN CASE nope not me. I know I'm worth more, and so do you, that's why you wanted to keep me around. The SECRET "family" of the LESBIAN && her "friend."


Not a mistress, sideline hoe, piece of ass, bed buddy, emotional connector, pretty face, baby mama and I'm far from YOUR friend.


You out smarted me, I feel like the foolish person I am. This blog may not even make sense but I dont even care. I'm going to just be ME, I'm going to ALLOW my emotions to wash over me and take for in the blog.

You said you were my friend. Naw, you couldnt have been. A REAL friend would not manipulate my feelings for their own selfish benefits. No a gun wasnt needed, but given my emotional state and your inablility to offer me I wanted still consuming my r[Emotions]ources, my intimacy. When I cried to my "friends" and told them of my situation they encouraged me to let you go, and being as though you claimed to be my friend...I wouldve thought you would have done the same. But not so much! Trapped, force to remain civil towards you, wishing to dismiss you from my life but I cant because of Kennedy you have to remain relevant in some sense. That's the only place for you. I dont consider you a friend. I feel USED. I'm not what you wanted!! Yet you continued to have sex with me KNOWING how I am, Knowing that I wanted more. I want to scream out loud but I cant...gotta keep it on the inside. Im tried of talking, your mouth just try to rationalize everything. I DONT LIKE YOU. I CANT EXPLAIN HOW I FEEL, AND YOU'D NEVER SEE IT FOR WHAT IT REALLY IS. I DONT WANT YOUR FRIENDSHIP. YOU WILL NEVER BE A FRIEND TO ME. FUCK YOUR SHOULDER. AND YOU THINK IM IRRATIONAL THAT I'M TOO IMMATURE TO TALK ABOUT WHATS GOING ON. I DONT HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR BULLSHIT AND I WONT. YOU ARENT IN MY SHOES SO YOU CANT ONLY JUDGE ME ON MY REFUSAL TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT. YOU WILL NEVER SEE ME CRY, I DONT WANT YOU ARMS TO HOLD ME CLOSE, YOU ARE A LIE. A FRAUD, A FRAUD A FRAUD A FRAUD. YOU PRETEND. GO DO THAT WITH SOMEONE ELSE. YOU DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE ME. AND I'M TIRED OF LOVING YOU. I ALLOWED YOU TO TRAP ME. YOU THINK YOU CAN DO ME ANYWAY YOU WANT AND I CANT GET AWAY. IM STUCK WITH YOU. YOU SHOW ME EVERYDAY WHY I SHOULDNT WANT YOU, WHY YOUR NOT GOOD FOR ME. WHY I DONT NEED YOU. HOW I DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER. I DONT HAVE TO BE CORDIAL TO YOU. YOUR A BAD DREAM I WISH I COULD WAKE UP FROM. I LIED. I DONT TRUST YOU. NOT WITH MY LIFE...NOT WITH MY HEART. THERE IS SOMETHING WE HAVENT DONE THAT I WANT TO DO...OFFICALLY PART WAYS FOR GOOD. WISH K WASNT STUCK IN THE DAMN MIDDLE..BUT FUCK..IT IS WHAT IT IS. WHEN I THINK OF YOU I THINK MISTRUST. YOU BEEN DOIN YOU AND FUCKIN ME. FUCK YOU. FUCK THEM...FUCK YOU. DONT COME BACK TO ME. DONT COME BACK TO ME. YOUR SELFISH. SO VERY SELFISH. I ALLOWED YOU INTO MY LIFE, YOU GOT ENOUGH FRIENDS, I DONT WANT TO BE ONE TO YOU....I REFUSE TO DO ANYTHING FOR YOU. I DONT WANT SHIT FROM YOU...NOTHING, NOT A HUG, NOT A KISS, NOT A CONVERSATION, NOT A LETTER, NOT A TEXT, NOT A PHOTO, NOT YOUR MONEY, I DONT THINK YOU HAVE A HEART..BUT IF YOU DID..IT AINT WORTH SHIT. HELL YEAH I'M MAD. YOU DAMN USER, YOU FUCKIN ABUSED YOUR PRIVILEDGES. YOU TOOK MY EMOTIONS AND RAN WITH THEM. I HOPE THEY ARE WORTH IT.

Life is too SHORT.

How many times have we heard those words coming from someones mouth in regards to our attitudes?? In reply to the issues that have us so down and out, got us feeling like their is no tomorrow. && Even though we know those words are very true, people are dying left and right, yet we'd rather spend our little bit of time worrying about how unimportant we may be to some people, broke up about how situations dont go down in our favor, stressed about school, working, bills. I just dont get it, how do they expect us to fully enjoy life when their is so much going on around us??
I think that when my time comes I really will have alot of regret. Last night I spent about an hour familiarizing myself with the Jade Goody story and it saddened me. She's so young, a mother to two young boys and she is dying of cervical cancer, only given a few weeks left to live. It could be you, it could be happen tomorrow, life as we know it could be stripped from us without regards to how much we promise ourselves things will get better, that we are fighters. It takes something like that to happen in order for us to have a very brief appreciation for life and once that period has passed, we are back to our ungrateful lives. There are terminally ill people, young children who will never see the inside of a school building, who will never get to eat anything other than hospital food, who never had a chance. There is soooo much really IMPORTANT shit going on but we are only consumed with ourselves, why is that?? THis isnt a real blog...just something I wanted to mention, something I feel strongly about. Tomorrow is NOT promised.


I have no idea how to begin, I'm far from informed about this subject. I keep hearing that in order to be forgiven, you, yourself, my possess the ability to forgive. && Although I pride myself in forgiving those who have crossed me, broken my heart but I havent learned or even begin to process the real meaning of forgiveness.

I have been holding on to my past, to all the anger, the hurt and resentment, I hate who I have become and have placed so much blame for my unhappiness on my mother. Over the last 9 years she has been begging for my forgiveness for something that happened over 12 years ago. I dont even refer to her as my mother, when I was younger and people would ask me about her, I'd say she was dead. She would write me letters, and the few times she called she would cry in my ear about how she didnt mean to do it. When she is in town, I do my best to avoid any kind of contact with her. Strange because,although I'm much older now and can do a better job of protecting myself, I still have a fear of her, a fear that she will relapse and this time she will finish the job. I used to have panic attacks when someone would pass me who I thought resembled her. My aunt made sure we lived somewhere where she couldnt find me. I couldnt live with my grandmother because my mother was aware of where she lived and vowed to kill her.

I treat her mean, making sure to let her know that she wasnt there THEN, and I dont need her NOW. I've had talks with my great-grandmother, but there is nothing she can say to me to lift the weight off my heavy heart. I'm very very very sensitive when it comes to this subject. As I'm typing this I cant help but to cry. Because no matter how bad I want to, I'm not sure if I am capable of forgiving the person who abused me when I was just a child, the person who would starve me, who took me to the woods and told me to make a bed because this was where she was going to leave me, all alone. The person who tried to take away the life that she helped to create. She took away my innocence, she took away my childhood, she made me a very scarred, broken,loveless angry person.

Unless you grew up without a father, who for the past 12 years has been living in the same state as you, well aware that you've relocated to maryland and has made no attempt to contact you, unless you spent the first 10 years of your life physically and mentally abused by a mother who everyday let you know what a mistake you were and how at all costs you would not live to bear children; unless you spent the last 12 years always looking over your shoulder watching for a mother you exscaped from, being a hypercondriac because for SOOOOO many years you were told you wouldnt live to see 18, unless you've had those experiences, I wouldnt expect you to understand the depth of my sorrow.

When I graduated, I really didnt know what I wanted to do with my life, I was surprised to even have made it that far. I didnt want children because I didnt want to be like HER* So envious of anyone who had any kind of relationship with their mother because I didnt have one. How do I forgive her?? && Furthermore, how do I forgive myself??

I feel so responsible for what has happened to her. Because of ME she spent several years in jail, has been heavily medicated, lived on the streets for some time and had NO communication with her own family up until about 3 years ago. I feel so sorry for her. I cant imagine not having any contact with your own family, having both your sister and brother pretend you dont exist, having a grandmother who suffered ridicule for your behavior, that she was aware of. To have children who refuse to go anywhere near you and a grandchild you will never in this lifetime know. I took away her life because she tried to take mine.

Deep down I love her, I always will. She was mentally ill at them time she did what she did. I'm angry with god, why would he put us through this, damage me so, take away any life she may have had, why would such a caring, forgiving person like himself allow those things to happen?? How do I forgive?? How do I let go of all the resentment I feel.

I'm tired of being mad at the world, I dont want her to die thinking I hate her, because I dont. Tired of crying, feeling sorry for myself, living in my past, how can I let go?? It's been 12 years, I should be OVER this, moving on with my life, where do I begin?? I dont want sympathy, I just want to get a better understanding of why these things took place in my life, why am I still here?? What's my purpose and how does it relate to the abuse?? I want so badly to not just exist anymore...but to LIVE MY LIFE.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

You never miss a good thing till it's gone?? Or are you selfishly just HOLDING on??

I ask this question in loo of several messages I have been recieving via facebook and myspace from people who I at one point in time was involved with who are now expressing renewed interest. I always wondered at what point they experienced their epiphany...was it before or after they heard I was doing just fine with out them, that I was moving on and no longer interested in making things work. Did they over hear how I was spending time with someone else and view pictures of me out and about on the town..without a care in the world?? && Furthermore...what provoked them to reach out to me. I used to wonder why it took so long for people to see what they had given up, what they were missing out on, but then I asked myself were they just trying to see if they still had me. If I would reconsider if they suggest we reunite. Could they really and truly be sincere in there efforts, or are they just desperate and I'm their back up plan. Are they that power driven that they do their best to keep me under their spells??

A guy I caught in the bed with his baby mother, whom I date almost two years ago reached out to me early last month suggesting we link up because he had a few things on his mind. Upon his arrival he expressed feelings I never knew he had and wondered, why now?? I wanted NOTHING to do with him, when I was will to work things out..he didnt want anything to do with me, but now all of a sudden he has seen the light?? hummmm Anywho he attempted to kiss me, missing my mouth but getting some of my face, I was absolutely offended that he still thought he had it after all this time had passed, did he really view me as a weakling that he could manipulate into giving him a second chance..and to make matters worst he was and still is in a relationship with someone who is about to have his baby. I just didnt understand it, and after that incident I looked at him completely different. I recently made him aware of what a disappointment he had become knowing the situation he was in and yet he was still trying to get with me, talking about the chapter wasnt closed, he goes to my myspace everyday to look at my pictures and thinks about me everyday. He didnt see anything wrong with his actions and instead of being flattered I was disgusted. I started to wonder had he behaved this way when he and I was dealing together.

To me, people never really want you back, they are fascinated by the thought of what could have been, and that's why the act out. Given a second chance, they may perform differently in the beginning but revert back to their old ways once they become comfortable, making no plans to be a better "US." They are checking to see if their charm still works, then they continue about their business until you've moved on, then they are back at it all over again...The "cat and mouse" game in my opinion.

Can lesbian couples weather the storms??

To my knowledge, more than half of the lesbian community claim to be single, I wonder why that is. Do you think lesbian couples are capable of making long-term committments to one another or do you think they suffer from the "Grass is Greener" syndrome?? I dont know not ONE lesbian couple that has been in a committed, long-term relationship, and that makes me think that its impossible to find. I use to think that we werent supposed to be attracted to the same sex, so that's why we cant find that one person for us that we are supposed to be with forever. Like it was a punishment of loneliness. I think females are sneeky, untrustworthy, indecisive and undeserving people who believe that settling down they will miss out on something. I dont think they are capable of being with one person because there are so many to chose from, and they dont have the will to resist temptation. Do you think that as a lesbian, you will find someone that captures your attention and manages to keep it?? && if so, do you think it will result in marraige or just a series of long-term relationships?? I dont have much information of this topic, I dont believe lesbian relationships last. It's a new age, people are less concerned with longevity and more concerned with quantity.

Dont even know what to call it. (jlocke)??

I would rather be someone's "Something Special" than your "Nothing".
I'm not happy, just convinced myself to be content with what I was given, and what I'm being given is bullshit. I want to feel special, to be of some importance to someone. I'm done being your "little secret" I want someone who is comfortable with the way I represent them, that lets the whole world know I'm where it's at. I want to be their "Arm Candy" instead of your "bed buddy." I think I'm deserving of a little more attention being paid, I want to be the one that puts a smile on their face, I want to be loved whole heartedly, kissed just because. I wanna go to movies, plays, museums, I want to do things...I want someone with TIME for me, who can make TIME for me, I dont want to be thought of as TIME consuming. I want someone who is happy with who I am for the most part not someone who picks apart who I am and what I'm doing wrong. I want to be sure how they feel about me, not assuming of the things I'm unsure of. I want my fucking happy!!I'm tired of all the bullshit && I'm so disheartened. I'm tired of getting NONE of what I put out.

Alot of people can relate to how I'm feeling including my sister J. Locke..I just put our feelings to paper. Luv u sis.

All Because of YOU??

How much of what you do is based on someone else?? I think from the start we live our lives for everyone else but the person we should be living it for, OURSELVES. We start of trying to live up to what standards placed on us in our households by our parents, by our teachers and by society as well as our friends. As we get older we place less empahsis on what our parent expectations for us are, we call that part self discovery, and try to place more emphasis on what we expect from ourselves. I keep hearing sometimes we are the hardest on ourselves and I find myself agreeing more often than not. && A majority of the times those expectations we "think" are placed on ourselves by us, are really placed on ourselves with regards to our significant others. Like she expects me to be a beast in the bedroom, or to cry when she leaves me, to forgive those mistakes, and to be loyal...are a few examples, have you found yourself pushing aside your own opinions to seek out others opinions on what YOU should be doing for YOURSELF?? Even when you have a clue as to what you already want to do, do you ever find yourself need reassurance in regards to what's BEST for you?? Has the way we have been brought up to care so much about what others think of ourselves that our own view of ourselves no longer matter?? Are we so incapble of good decision making that the only way to determine self relevance is to compare it to what other's view/personal opinions are?? Do you find yourself trying to change because someone had a negative opinion of you or something you've done in your present or your past?? How do you determine Self worth from a realistic point of view??


Trust- A belief and assurance, reliance on a person or a thing, to be certain or bound by a undying faith. -yours truly

I believe I'm a trust worthy person, and because I am, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt as I mention in several of my blogs, but do they deserve it?? Most of the time NO. Now this is how I do it, I usually give it off the back, I'm a poor judge of character, so I end up revoking my trust and the person never gains it back and if they are one of the very few who manages to, my trust with them is very limited. I forgive but I never FORGET. I have been wronged by people I've trusted, more often than not, so I honestly dont trust anyone, I dont put anything past anybody. I TRUST people to disappoint, to do what makes them happy without regards for the next man, I trust people to do what they want. Wondering if I were approaching the whole trust thing wrong, like maybe it would be better if I made someone earn my trust?? I think I sorta kinda do make them do that though, like I give it to them but they only get one chance, like they are earning it until they fuck up and then I dont want to trust them any further than I can throw them.

Do you believe it is possible for someone to earn back trust?? Do you think there are such things as honest mistakes?? && If so, do you feel like mistakes can be repeated?? I heard that you continue to make mistakes until your lesson is you agree or disagree?? What deems a person untrustworthy?? && Do you think it is possible to continue a relationship or friendship with this person??

As for friends, I have a hard time just letting them go, it takes alot to make me no longer wish to continue our friendship, but I do tend to keep a deceitful friend at a distance, I look at liars like sociopaths. As far as relationships, I dont honestly think a relationship can survive when there is no trust present or if the trust is only one sided. && Once the trust is broken you may as well say goodbye because no matter how much you want to try, to work on it, you will NEVER look at that person the same. Betrayal is a motherfucker and I think Beyonce put it best in her song RESENTMENT. Is there a grace period that should be present regarding trust when first finding yourselves in a new relationship?? If so why?? I honestly dont think there should be, but what the hell, who am I to talk when my shit is a damn mess itself. Lls.

&& When your putting your trust in someone, how do you determine if they even deserve it, who gets it?? Is there specific criteria that has to be met?? Like a series of tests?? && furthermore, do you believe it is possible to trust someone in general, but not trust them with your heart?? Why or why not?? To me I feel like the only person you should trust, can trust without a doubt and has your best interest at heart is YOURSELF. You know what YOU are capable of, and trust requires a degree of integrity that you hopefully possess.

Real Recognize REAL && Your not looking FAMILIAR!

Tonight has been one of those damn night, mad at the damn world && I kinda know why but then again I really dont. So sitting here alone wide awake, for a reason I care not to discuss, I started thinking about my love life or lack thereof (gimme a break, it's friday and ya girl is once again ALONE). I attract lames, it's like I have some kind of scent that I give off that only LAMES can smell. By lames I mean, weaklings, cheaters, liars, weirdos, disrespectful people. Be it male or female, I now admit I have horrible taste and am not a good judge of character. I blame it on my wanting to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and that is just something most people just dont DESERVE. I hate to see people for who they really are because I want to belive that we all are capable of the same things regarding committment and love and honesty.

Now dont get me wrong, I am not saying I am perfect, I'm very aware of my faults and in or out of a relationship I try my best to work on them. But to me my faults are the least of anyones worry, I am outspoken and sometimes dont know when to shut up..but you know you'll always hear the truth from me, I can sometimes be possessive but I'm loyal to a T, I have alot of people who express interest in me but I'm not one to cheat, I have an attitude problem ...change takes time. But the people I seem to be attracted to dont usually have jobs, see mutliple people at once, keeps most of their exes close, have a problem with admitting when they are wrong, are committment phobic, and cant tell the truth to save their lives.

I'm hip to all the games people play and see through most of that shit, I wish I had a stronger ability to move on but hey I'm only human. And although games is not what I ask for, I sure to see to get them by the handfuls. I really would like to know what kind of vibe I am giving off, maybe I need to change my surroundings, cleanse myself, relocate to another state just to get a feel for new people and increase my chances of finding someone more compatible with who I really am. I no longer feel baltimore has anything more than bullshit and heartbreak to offer. && If I had a dollar for everytime I am approached, or have dated, or allowed my heart to attach itself to a LAME trust me...we would not NOT be in a RECESSION.

I consider myself a real person and that's so hard to find nowadays with so many fakes amongst us. Real recognize REAL && NO ONE is looking FAMILIAR*

Friday, March 6, 2009

[IN]Love with 2 people??

Is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time?? After this season of the bachelor, I really wonder if it is possible. I guess it all depends on what your definition of love is. Usher also has a song about being in love with two people at once. I've always thought being {IN} love with someone meant that you were giving your heart to someone while accepting the other persons in return. But if your inlove with 2 people doesnt that mean your heart is torn?? And they only get a piece while you willing recieve theirs in whole?? I keep hearing it is possible but if you feel it is, how then can one decide which one is the right one to be with?? If ou believe this is possible do you believe that a husband can be inlove with both his wife and his mistress?? When committing acts of adultry do you think that if he were really and truly in love with his wife that he wouldnt want to hurt her?? I thought love was kind, understanding, humble and lasting, not temporary, so thin it could be easily divided amongst the rest. Would In like be a better term to use regarding two highly favored people?? If you are in love with two people at once isnt someone short changed?? How does your love for one differ from the other?? I call it being selfish, not wanting to decide between the two and afraid of letting one go (people always want someone waiting in the background. I believe you can have a love for one person that isnt like a love for another but they are equal but to be INlove to me means right here, right now, and if your right here...right can you be there too?? Maybe they arent able to decipher loving someone and being [IN]love with someone, but I would suggest becoming familiar with their definitions.

My Fears

In no particular order:
I'm afraid of spiders;they can lay their babies inside me.
I'm afraid of scary movies; they are sometimes based on fact
I'm afraid of rejection; Fear of not being "GOOD" enough
I'm afraid of being a disappointment; I dont want to let anyone down
I'm afraid of being alone forever; that there isnt anyone out there for me
I'm afraid of ice; it's dangerous during the winter time
I'm afraid of birds; I think they will attack me
I'm afraid of falling; I dont like bruises nor do I like pain
I'm afraid of dying; to think of myself no longer existing isnt a pleasant thougt.
I'm afraid of large crowds; I wear sunglasses to make me feel more comfortable
I'm afraid of drunk driving; my mother almost killed us all driving in the wrong lane
I'm afraid of large bodies of water; even though I can swim, I feel that my body will fail me in time of need.
I'm afraid of failing; that I wont be able to see anything through
I'm afraid of liars; I believe deep down they are sociopaths
I'm afraid of being alone; I hate being by myself sometimes
I'm afraid of ghost; I do believe they exist
I'm afraid of heartbreak; I dont trust anyone with my heart
I'm afraid of pitbulls; I think they will attack me
I'm afraid of motherhood; I dont want to be like my mother
I'm afraid of hospitals; they are cold and harbor bacteria
I'm afraid of STD's; I think they are nasty and a result of carless behavior
I'm afraid of being myself; for fear that I will be misunderstood

This is a MAN's WORLD!

I wonder, is it because it took so long for women to be granted the rights to vote and we have struggled so hard to be treated equally as men, that we have someone lost the qualities that made us women. I think we are becoming all the things we dislike about the male species trying to prove to them they are no better than we are.

My male bestfriend made the comment that the rising STD rate is a result of "easy" females. I think the lack of morals and repsect for their bodies are some what to blame but not wholey responsible for that. I believe that the way we have been treated, manipulated by other's has provoked us to take on a care-free sometimes care-less persona. Leading us to date more than one person at a time, allowing us to give in to our sexual urges without regard for our sexual health. I blame all the wrongers..the ones who have wronged the women in the past, that made them subject to take on a new outlook on life. Because people refuse to acknowledge how wrong these behaviors are, they have manipulated females forcing them to conform to a males way of living.

I dont think females are dumb, just easily influenced. && I believe we are responsibe for our own behaviors but it's a cause and effect going on. Because they were treated however badly they were, and manipulated, and disrespected at the hands of their significant others,never again wanting to feel that vulnerability, they have taken on a new, sometimes risky, outlook trying to regain power and level the playing field.

In a male dominated society, it's either conform or get eaten alive. After all THIS IS A MAN'S WORLD!

Season's CHANGE && So did YOU!

This blog is about how well you REALLY know a person. My teacher once said to me, you can never decide to marry a person until you two have been through all four seasons together. I'm sure many people orignally start out as one person and then over the months they show you who they really are. I believe that's because when your attracted to someone, you see what you want to see and, if the feelings are mutual, they will be who you want them to be.

It's not until after you've managed to set aside the initial attraction and concern yourself more with who that person really is, that you start to discover if they possess the characteristics you look for in a significant other. I believe taking the time to get to know one another, beyond what are your favorite foods, whats your favorite color, you know the basics, it isnt until you start to care about their background, where they grew up, who had a profound effect in their lives, what had the most influence on their life, and what they aspire to be, makes for a good, strong foundation.

Seeing a person through "The Good, the Bad, the Ugly" helps you to determine whether your willing to be in it for the long haul or if it just isnt for you. I believe too much emphasis is placed on physical attraction, and sexual satisfaction. When you fully know the person, which takes longer than a few months, and sometimes more than a few years i believe you will have a greater appreciation for who they are and better insight as to why they behave in ways that use to perplex you. In order to gain a better understanding you have to be interested enough to care. It's not so much that people change, because change takes years to complete, its more of, this is who I really am, you were just to blind to see.

Domestic Abuse

As a survivor of child abuse I've very familiar with the topic. And although my experience was at the hands of my mother, I do believe some my situation closely relates to that of a domestice situation. I, myself, have been in a domestic dispute that I am not proud of.

Any type of abuse, be it sexual, physical or emotional.. Abuse is UNacceptable. Oddly enough I have been a victim of all three. I was tempted to write this blog in light of the Chris Brown/ Rihanna situation. I find myself at times sympathizing with Chris Brown and feeling anger towards Rihanna and when I sit and look back at it, even though she wasnt the one to actually call the police, after seeing the pictures of her battered face I was still like ..well you never know what really happened. But does it even matter?? To be allegedly shoved, however unsuccessful it may have been, out of the car, to have your head repeatedly slammed into the passenger side window, to be punched in the face and bit on the ear and fingers at the hands of anyone is NEVER ok. People try to rationalize the situation by saying I shouldnt have done this, I didnt mean to do that, It's my fault..but ABUSE IS NEVER OK!

I think that is probably why so many people are scared to report abuse. And at first I thought his criminal threats charges should have been thrown out (Probably said in the heat of the moment)I believe that they should remain. Because you never know, and plenty of people DIE every day for seeking help from outsiders after reporting such inadmissable behavior. Who are we to say he didnt mean it?? Now grant it, he could have been provoked, but he is a MAN...she was so helpless..even if she put her hands on him he could have did his best to restrain her and pulled over and physically removed her from his vehicle. && Reports have surfaced that this isnt the first time and I can guarentee you it wont be the last.

Quick background..I am a survior of ABUSE period. Sexual, Physical and Emotional...
The one I felt more threatned by and that had the biggest impact on my life would be the Physical abuse at the hands of the one person I trusted completely. && I can see how Rihanna can be forgiving, she will NEVER forget..but because it happened at the hands of someone she trusted she wants to think positively about it, she wants to see the good in him and believe that he didnt mean it, I know I did. There were many nights I was awaken by my abusive mother, dragged across floors, bit on the face to the point where I was unable to attend school because the bite marks were so severe, makeup couldnt cover them. And everytime she would physically harm me, the very next day she would apologize, tell me how she didnt mean it and that it would never happen again, that she loved me. And everytime I forgave. With this being the first time the public was notified of such abuse regarding "America's Prince" the all american good guy..I can see how the public can want there to be more to a story..but sometimes there isnt. And we may never know what exactly went down in that car but we should ALL know that abuse is NEVER ok. It is unacceptable to put your hands on your significant other.

I was in fear for my life..and everytime I wanted to seek the help of others..noone obliged me. NOt one person I relayed any information regarding my living situations at home. It went on for as long as I can remember. I remember being in elementary school having to tell people I ran into a tree because my mother would punch me in my face. I remember missing most of my 5th grade year because I would be beat so bad. One time I was made to get in the tub and physically removed against my will and whipped with an extention cord while wet..suffering contusions all over my body ( I still have those marks to this day). I was confined to a bed the bruising was so debilitating. Made to hide everything but my face when people would come visit, they were told I was sick and that's why I didnt get out of the bed. Yet I was told that what happened in my house stayed in my house and everytime she would cry and apologize.

My breaking point..and this is why I say you never know where Chris was mentally when he made that statement "You done fucked up now,I'm going to KILL you." A few days before Mother's Day, back in 96', my mother pulled me aside early in the day and said that no matter what happened, she would always love me. (To the best of my knowleged, time has passed since this incident and I have managed to block alot of the details out of my mind) Later that night in a fit of rage, again I was the victim of her abuse...but it was real different this time...She began throwing Butter Knives at me, then beat me with a brush, then physically hitting me and telling me [Her word exactly] that she was "going to "KILL" me or atleast put me in a coma." And she was serious, she tried. Getting a Cast Iron Skillet from the cabinet she placed me in front of her and aimed at my head like it was a baseball. Sending me flying across the room, disoriented. I'm still not even sure how I got up..but I did. && Once again..I was told to stand in front of her..and AGAIN she struck the back of my head at full force with the frying pan. Only this time..blood was gushing out of my head and I became very aware that if I didnt get out of the house..if I didnt leave, I wouldnt live to see tomorrow. I managed to escaped, but not before hugging her one last time ( I know how that may sound but its true). A neighbor saw me fleeing and immediately called the police. In an attempt to seek refuge in my neigbors apartment, my mother was able to pull me from the apartment door ( I mangaged to take her door knob with me)she forced me in the shower and began to scrub my flesh and instructing me on what to say when the police arrived. And they story that was relayed to me, I then repeated when the EMT's arrived to my apartment. She stood in the door way to oversee what was happening. The only reason I was removed from the house, was because they saw the Knives in my room and asked about them, when I lifted my head to provide an answer blood came pouring from my head and my injuries were apparent. I suffered from a broken arm, bite marks on my body and a factured skull, and the marking from the extension cord provided police with the information needed to say that it had been an ongoing process. I believe with my whole heart, that had I not escaped I would not be alive. && Even though I feared for my life, had the police not prosecuted my mother, I wouldnt have had the balls to.

Now true, Chris said that he was going to kill her and although we'd like to think it was said in the heat of the moment, you cant take those kinds of threats lightly. Right before christmas a mother was stabbed to death at the hands of her ex-husband outside the courthouse she obtained the restraining order against him from. That mother was not in her right frame of mind, I'm not even sure if she'd ever been, and judging from Chris' behavior he may not have been either. && This is the only time we have heard about it, so how many times have situations like these taken place in the privacy of their own homes??

If your familiar with Chris' background, I believe he, as well as myself, are products of our enviornment. And although we protest violence so much, it is easy to become the abuser because we are already familiar with the traits one must possess. I myself will NEVER be the victim again and that makes me short tempered, and violetile. Watching his mother be abused at the hands of his step-father may have set a precedent that he will probally spend the rest of his life trying to supress the urge to act on. We are accountable for our behaviors, and abuse is something that is a learned behavior that is passed down from generation to generation. People repeat what they see, if your hugged everyday and told that you are loved then I believe you will be a loving person, not always true in some circumstances. And if all you see is violence, all you experience is violence, I believe it is hard not to become a violent person.

I think people in any kind of abusive situation should seek conseling, and I think even though they are making an example out of Chris, I think it will be good for everyone out there who are abusive themselves. And I think Rihanna is doing what comes natural to her, but I dont think it sets a good example for the younger females who look up to her, who may be in the same situation. I believe it encourages victims to return to their abuser and in a sick sense makes it ok because they see that even as beautiful and successful as she is, it happens to her as well as them. It makes it normal and it's shouldnt be.

I understand that people say and do things to get a rise out of a person but you should be a bigger person and not repsond in a way to satisfy them. && If you ever feel like you need to lay hands on someone, you dont need to be with them. Point BLANK. PERIOD.

Late Nite Questions for fun

1.If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
I dont believe you.

2.Do you trust all of your friends?? Yes

3.Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?

4.Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Maybe

5.Can you make a dollar in change right now? yes

6.Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor? Marquita, she's taking nursing so..

7.Are you afraid of falling in love? Yes

8.Have you ever been in love? I believe so

9.Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times? Unfortunately

10.Whats your most favorite scar? Ewwww I dont do scars,

11.When was the last time you flew in a plane? never

12.What did the last text message you sent say? Did you use protection?? Where was J??

13.What features do you find most attractive in the preferred sex? A pretty smile

14. I love Vienna____ (Fill in the blank)
Sausage..not really tho

15.What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
- Losing about 15 lbs, going to the Police academy, moving into my own place && getting a car to graduate, && to add a new addition to my family

16.If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call?
My daughter.

17. How many kids do you want to have?
2. About 3. Maybe 2 girls and a boy..

18.Would you make a good parent?
I would try my best

19.Where was your default picture taken?
On my webcam at my aunts house

20.Whats your middle name? Chianti

21.Honestly, whats on your mind right now?
Changing K's pamper before she pees in my bed lls

22.If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
I'm not sure..

23.Who was or will be the maid of honor/ best man in your wedding?
Prolly my sister

24.What are you wearing right now?
a tshirt and panties.

5.Righty or Lefty?

26.Best place to eat? XS a sushi bar.

27.Favorite jeans? ae they are actually long enough && they r comfortable

28.Favorite animal? Cheetah

29.Favorite juice? Blueberry Cranberry

30.Have you had the chicken pox? yes.

31.Have you had a sore throat? Yup

32.Ever had a bar fight? not so much

33.Who knows you the best? Ayanna

34.Shoe size? 9 1/2

35.Do you wear contact lenses or glasses? both

36.Ever been in a fight with your pet? No. Ryan is pretty good.

37.Been to California? Not yet

38.Did you buy something today? No

39.Did you get sick today? I think I'm coming down with a cold.

40.Do you miss someone today? Prolly

41.Did you get in a fight with someone today? Maybe a misunderstanding better describes the situation.

42.When is the last time you had a massage? Dude it's been so long. When I was sick with the stomach Virus Alex massaged my back && scalp

43.Last person to lay in your bed? Her*

44.Last person to see you cry? My daughter

45.Who made you cry? hmmm... ....

46. last TV show you watched? Craig Ferguson

47.What are your plans for the weekend? Who knows. But my niece will be getting christened.

48.Who do you think will repost this? Noone

49.Who was the last person you hung out with? Joree

50.If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY what would you say?
I dont necessarily have one of those.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


towards myself
I knew better
Anger with her
She knew me too well
Confusion, Mistrust

Wishing I could crawl under a rock
because I know me
I knew better

But I did it AGAIN
Shouldve caught myself with the second
third blog.

Where is my strength
my will
my determination

I will love you tomorrow
even though I dont want to
I dont like you right now

You knew what would happen
just like the first time
you didnt care

You see that's what I mean

I wish I could be like that
as much as I try
I cant be..
I dont have it in me

Everytime I go through this...
I lose a valuable piece of myself
my orginality
that I will
get back.

I can see me
into stone.
Giving up
with their
make me envious

Grass is
Greener on the otherside..
My grass
aint never been

I aint never had
what I
thought I wanted
what I now
no longer
believe in


You follow me..
you read my thoughts
that I put to paper

for what
a better
insight as
to who I

Im real

But I'm Real

I mean I'm
I cry
REAL people tears
I feel
REAL people pain
I feel
REAL people lonely

of the games..
everyone has them
call it how I see it
they ask why I'm so mean
Dont wanna open up
Keep the world at a distance
Staying in my little bubble


Because people will always
want what they cant have
I'd rather feel
WANTED, Special...
they like when your unatainable..
when you play their

But my legs are tired...
I cant run anymore....
Imma walk..
at a S.L.O.W.

I can see the end
in the beginning
so Imma take my time
Do it on my terms
I dont NEED you...
I wanted YOU

I say things
in the heat
of the moment
outta anger

I get torrets
so dont mind
if I call you
I just mean Female

You make me
hold on while I vomit

can you RETURN
chunk of my heart you stole
Send it
little bit

you didnt think...
you could keep that
did you??
Well you cant..
I dont care if
it doesnt exactly
they way it did
you took it
without my permission
I still want it..
even if it doesnt work
I wont let it work
for YOU

You've got enough
hearts on your belt
you dont need mine anymore

You brought me to a whole new low
When I think I'm maturing...
I'm really NOT
I'm just being a follower
behind the rest..
I dont need NObody

I hate you sometimes..
If you cared anything
about me..
you wouldnt have gone there


I wish I never met you..
I wish I never met YOU


Thanks for contributing
to my heartbreak
How much do I owe you??

I want out of this LOVE shit...
I dont wanna be weak anymore
I wont allow another to make

I wont be like this
It'll pass.
I cant wait till
it does.

I dont want you
I dont TRUST you
I dont NEED you
I dont LIKE you

Your accountable for your actions
YOu knew..
Lil Ole me
had NO idea
you wanted it this way
it aint happenin.

YOu dont GOT me
Only I GOT me
thats how its gonna be
from now on.

I knew better
I knew
KNEW better
Guess I
had to find out the hard way..

Dont come back
next month
dont come back
next year

even in a few years..
dont come back tryin to
LOVE me..
I wont be back down this road..
oh no
Its just NOT worth it.

I wont want you.
I will remember what I feel
Imma work from
on letting u
Keepin you

Dont feel
Sorry for me
Matter of fact
DONT feel
for me

I wish so badly


I was doing good...
now look at me


You read everything else
4 U

Stop trying to figure me out
Dont FOLLOW me
Dont worry about what
I'm thinking
Just know
it wont be about


Fairy Tales && Lullaby's yea sure...

Dont sell yourself short..
I know now better than I've ever known before..that shit is for the birds. It just doesnt exist, the happy endings, the undying love and what not. I dont think there really is a happily ever after. It's just something that they told us to make us want to pick up our hearts and try again. Love is a weak makes you vulnerable and I cant stand feeling like that..been down this road one too many times and it's gonna be along time before I go back.

I quit. I give up on optimism, on reluctancy...on believing that everything happens for a reason..shit just happens JUST BECAUSE. I'm tired of writing about love, heartbreak, confusion..but I have no choice..that's just my life. && SOmetimes I wonder when my time comes..will I be please with how I spent my years on earth or will I look back at the many days and nights I shed tears over people, how many years wasted chasing what I thought was love, how many poems were written about this little thing called love. When I look back at it, will it have ever been in my reach.

A friend of mine was telling me of his heartache due to an ex that wronged him and I dont think he ever got over it...I wonder if he spent his final days, his final moments regretting wasting so much precious time instead of just living. Just breathing, no allowing another to get anywhere close to his heart, corrupting his mind..

I cant concentrate..too many thoughts..may spend the night bloggin on and off..Got a few topics in my head..that I could elaborate on..but I dont want to...I'M TIRED OF WRITING ABOUT WHAT I WRITE ABOUT && wish I could go back to the more innocent, no nothing teenage years..where I valued my independence and sought out to see the world. If I could take with me what I know now..Oh how I would be such a different person. I'd know better and this is one road I wouldnt have bothered to travel.


Continuing to have sex with an ex a BAD habit???
Hummmm good question. We all have been guilty of it, at some point in time. Question!!!: Does having sex with an ex in some way or another HINDER your ability to move on?? Could it be compared to quicksand?? If 1 foot is in..your still gonna go down. Is it purely a sexual thing for one and an emotional connection for the other?? Again with the motive..some people use sex an a way to express themselves and seek out emotional connections they otherwise would not recieve. && If you are having sex with an ex..what, other than the title be revoked, nullifies the committment to eachother?? Is that not an easy way to get all caught up in the limbo..the on and off again mess known as break-up to make-up?? How can you successful heal all wounds and move on if your bound to the bed with your SUPPOSED [IN]signifcant other?? && How do you seperate the past from your future??

A friend of mine hit me up the other day asking if it were right that he continue to sleep with his ex girlfriend even though she now has a boyfriend?? Of course anyone who knows me ..knows I completely disagree with it..but's a matter of your own personal morals. That got me to many people are still sleeping with their exes even when they claim to have moved on from them?? && How can you seperate and sever all emotional ties while remaining sexually connected. && For those continuing these escapades while being involved with someone is that fair to the other person?? && If your goin to obviously put that EX before the may as well just be with the ex and save the PRESENT the heartache right??

&& If it's JUST {S[e]X} why does it have to be done with the ex..and not with someone new?? Could it mislead either party?? Or do you have to approach the situation as if it were a business deal?? And if it is only just you kiss them in the mouth?? Say I love you, even if you do?? Do they stay over?? Spend the day?? Because if so...I wouldnt say that would fall under the JUST {S[E]X} category.

Romance has gone to the SHITTER!!!

What ever happen to courtship?? Old fashion dates that took place at the movies or a restaraunt?? What happen to roses and kisses on the cheek?? To phone conversations getting to know one another better?? Picnics at the park and long walks?? When did we let hand holding go?? Nobody hugs anymore unless it's during sex?? WhY?? What happened to phone calls just to say I miss you, letters expressing your feelings, talks about where the future could lead?? Noone cooks for eachother anymore, runs bath water, gives massages, washes eachothers hair, says I love you just because that's how you feel?

I want that OLD thing back..

Looking at how dating and relationships are Now[A]days compared to how things went down back[IN]the day..I get super sad. I'm an old fashioned kinda girl, I like cards, I like flowers, going on dates, sitting and talking for hours about our lives...Now[A]days it's all about the Cookie...what do I have to do to get the Cookie?? Nothing is done out of Sincerity..ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS a motive.

No double dates, No couples games, No Secret getaways...

The things that made you want, feel & need, that helped you to get back out there and believe, [IN]love NO LONGER EXISTS.


Question: Does absence make the heart grow fonder OR is it more of an OUT of SIGHT out of MIND??

Hearing that space is a neccessity to sustain a relationship, and that in your absence the person will begin to miss you.. they then develop a need to see you..I wonder is this true..and if so how long does this take place before the Out of Sight out of mind develop??

Some people only acknowledge you when they are WITH you and when they arent they have no idea you exist. They have no relevance other than to serve whatever purpose needed at that particular time.

Is space always a good thing?? What does it mean to MISS someone??
Guess it all depends on the person and the circumstances surrounding the situation.


One thing I can not stand---> is to be LIED to. I'm a truth seeker, always on the mission to collect facts, it's just my nature. && Because of such nature I have a 6 sense, the ability to be able to detect a lie. What makes it even worst is when they can look you in the eye and lie...that is the ULTIMATE betrayal. I suck at lying that why it's something I just dont do EVER! I feel like if a person will LIE to you ONCE they will lie to you a thousand times. If you dont have have nothing.

Omission -to withhold information which could change the outcome in a way that would negatively affect you [in other words:FOR PERSONAL GAIN]. OMISSION IS BETRAYAL. Point blank. Failure to state ALL facts leads me to believe your intent is to in some way, shape, or form decieve me and for that I Revoke my trust for you to NEVER gain it back.

Honesty is EVERYTHING. Whats done in the DARK always alWAys ALWAYS comes to light. In it's due time. && To pride yourself in successfully decieving someone only insults yourself and shows your lack of INTERGRITY.

SHUT UP && Speak...

I was told by a friend of mine that the reason why they resort to dating women of the opposite race was because they dont "talk back" They say just want they want to hear and black women have entirely too much mouth. Hey I cant help that I'm mouthy. It's just apart of who I am. Being brought up in a household where I was told to speak up, say how I feel and treat others how I want to be treated, I find it hard to silence myself. Sometimes I look at it as a catch 22...I express myself and pride myself in being outspoken..but sometimes I dont know when to SHUT UP! To shut up impedes on my personal right of free speech. When do you stand your ground?? and When do you cave in and silence the lion roaring in your chest??

If I bite my tongue and deny the impulse to defend, express myself..I feel so handicapped. && I cant deal with that. I struggle the most with this when dealing with someone. I feel that if I completely express myself it can be viewed as annoying and nagging and I dont want anyone to feel that about me. But like Beyonce says..I shut up for fear that you may leave if I were to speak up. If I were to hush ..and withold my feelings or my personal opinions wouldnt that trash any hopes of open communication??

I feel like everything is a compromise. At a very young age I was taught this method: Learn to care about something you dont care about because someone you care about cares about it. Something like that. Basically saying that even if you dont feel so strongly about what I'm saying, you should try to care about it, because it is something that is obviously affecting me in whatever manner.

After struggling with my strong will and determination...I still can not come to terms with the whole silence is golden rule..You supress your words to make others feel comfortable all the while your feeling uncomfortable?? Why?? What makes their comfort level any more important than your own?? I want open communication, I want someone who is willing to hear me out, someone who is willing to listen and offer advice or words of comfort when needed...or just lend an ear ..I want them to love me even when the words dont come out right, to accept my difference of opinion and understand it is ok that we disagree sometimes, to get that sometimes I say things just to make you mad ( and although it doesnt make it right) I dont mean them. For them I'm willing to do the same because I would never ask anyone to do something I myself would not do. How do you live OUTLOUD when your forced to SHUT UP && SPEAK??

Bad Day!

It's only 10 in the A.M. && I can already tell what kinda day it will be. Just one of "those" days...where everything hits me at once. I couldnt get to sleep for shit lastnite. Kept tossing and turning...woke up at like 3ish..then 4ish..for no apparent reason..then when my alarm went off on the phone I soooo keep hitting snooze..Blah.

Almost busted my ass a few times today..still mad icy. Listened to music to try to make me feel better DID NOT work. Math has NEVER been my thing...&& having hella appointments on tues && thurs is fuckin me up. I'm sooooo good in all my other classes...but so far I have missed a damn test and today I had a fuckin quiz she probably went over on thursday..when I missed the damn class to go to a fuckin child support appointment that he didnt even have the nerve to show up for. && To make kmatters worst we have a fuckin TEST on now I have to go over && teach myself the shit that is on the fuckin test..&& make up my quiz because my score sucks ass man. I'm not as upset about my test because I wasnt there when she went over the stuff.
But whatever.

I'm about to study or attempt to study for my People's Law class. I already read all the chapters required for the it's just review. Not so bad. I'm super upset right now though...sittin in the library trying hard to type this shit...but It's so fuckin loud with Ghetto ass bitches wearing too much perfume, not ENOUGH makeup...broke down whores in here. I need anger management BAD.
I Promise you I dont know what to say outta my mouth.. I feel sooo tested.

My class is gonna end mad early...because of the quiz which means Imma have a break longer than three hours..Imma fight myself to stay..His mom is probably gonna be late pickin me up as usual && I'm just gonna go off..

Bad Bad BAD day... wooooooo-saaaa

Sorry but I feel alot better now.