Friday, March 6, 2009

Domestic Abuse

As a survivor of child abuse I've very familiar with the topic. And although my experience was at the hands of my mother, I do believe some my situation closely relates to that of a domestice situation. I, myself, have been in a domestic dispute that I am not proud of.

Any type of abuse, be it sexual, physical or emotional.. Abuse is UNacceptable. Oddly enough I have been a victim of all three. I was tempted to write this blog in light of the Chris Brown/ Rihanna situation. I find myself at times sympathizing with Chris Brown and feeling anger towards Rihanna and when I sit and look back at it, even though she wasnt the one to actually call the police, after seeing the pictures of her battered face I was still like ..well you never know what really happened. But does it even matter?? To be allegedly shoved, however unsuccessful it may have been, out of the car, to have your head repeatedly slammed into the passenger side window, to be punched in the face and bit on the ear and fingers at the hands of anyone is NEVER ok. People try to rationalize the situation by saying I shouldnt have done this, I didnt mean to do that, It's my fault..but ABUSE IS NEVER OK!

I think that is probably why so many people are scared to report abuse. And at first I thought his criminal threats charges should have been thrown out (Probably said in the heat of the moment)I believe that they should remain. Because you never know, and plenty of people DIE every day for seeking help from outsiders after reporting such inadmissable behavior. Who are we to say he didnt mean it?? Now grant it, he could have been provoked, but he is a MAN...she was so helpless..even if she put her hands on him he could have did his best to restrain her and pulled over and physically removed her from his vehicle. && Reports have surfaced that this isnt the first time and I can guarentee you it wont be the last.

Quick background..I am a survior of ABUSE period. Sexual, Physical and Emotional...
The one I felt more threatned by and that had the biggest impact on my life would be the Physical abuse at the hands of the one person I trusted completely. && I can see how Rihanna can be forgiving, she will NEVER forget..but because it happened at the hands of someone she trusted she wants to think positively about it, she wants to see the good in him and believe that he didnt mean it, I know I did. There were many nights I was awaken by my abusive mother, dragged across floors, bit on the face to the point where I was unable to attend school because the bite marks were so severe, makeup couldnt cover them. And everytime she would physically harm me, the very next day she would apologize, tell me how she didnt mean it and that it would never happen again, that she loved me. And everytime I forgave. With this being the first time the public was notified of such abuse regarding "America's Prince" the all american good guy..I can see how the public can want there to be more to a story..but sometimes there isnt. And we may never know what exactly went down in that car but we should ALL know that abuse is NEVER ok. It is unacceptable to put your hands on your significant other.

I was in fear for my life..and everytime I wanted to seek the help of others..noone obliged me. NOt one person I relayed any information regarding my living situations at home. It went on for as long as I can remember. I remember being in elementary school having to tell people I ran into a tree because my mother would punch me in my face. I remember missing most of my 5th grade year because I would be beat so bad. One time I was made to get in the tub and physically removed against my will and whipped with an extention cord while wet..suffering contusions all over my body ( I still have those marks to this day). I was confined to a bed the bruising was so debilitating. Made to hide everything but my face when people would come visit, they were told I was sick and that's why I didnt get out of the bed. Yet I was told that what happened in my house stayed in my house and everytime she would cry and apologize.

My breaking point..and this is why I say you never know where Chris was mentally when he made that statement "You done fucked up now,I'm going to KILL you." A few days before Mother's Day, back in 96', my mother pulled me aside early in the day and said that no matter what happened, she would always love me. (To the best of my knowleged, time has passed since this incident and I have managed to block alot of the details out of my mind) Later that night in a fit of rage, again I was the victim of her abuse...but it was real different this time...She began throwing Butter Knives at me, then beat me with a brush, then physically hitting me and telling me [Her word exactly] that she was "going to "KILL" me or atleast put me in a coma." And she was serious, she tried. Getting a Cast Iron Skillet from the cabinet she placed me in front of her and aimed at my head like it was a baseball. Sending me flying across the room, disoriented. I'm still not even sure how I got up..but I did. && Once again..I was told to stand in front of her..and AGAIN she struck the back of my head at full force with the frying pan. Only this time..blood was gushing out of my head and I became very aware that if I didnt get out of the house..if I didnt leave, I wouldnt live to see tomorrow. I managed to escaped, but not before hugging her one last time ( I know how that may sound but its true). A neighbor saw me fleeing and immediately called the police. In an attempt to seek refuge in my neigbors apartment, my mother was able to pull me from the apartment door ( I mangaged to take her door knob with me)she forced me in the shower and began to scrub my flesh and instructing me on what to say when the police arrived. And they story that was relayed to me, I then repeated when the EMT's arrived to my apartment. She stood in the door way to oversee what was happening. The only reason I was removed from the house, was because they saw the Knives in my room and asked about them, when I lifted my head to provide an answer blood came pouring from my head and my injuries were apparent. I suffered from a broken arm, bite marks on my body and a factured skull, and the marking from the extension cord provided police with the information needed to say that it had been an ongoing process. I believe with my whole heart, that had I not escaped I would not be alive. && Even though I feared for my life, had the police not prosecuted my mother, I wouldnt have had the balls to.

Now true, Chris said that he was going to kill her and although we'd like to think it was said in the heat of the moment, you cant take those kinds of threats lightly. Right before christmas a mother was stabbed to death at the hands of her ex-husband outside the courthouse she obtained the restraining order against him from. That night..my mother was not in her right frame of mind, I'm not even sure if she'd ever been, and judging from Chris' behavior he may not have been either. && This is the only time we have heard about it, so how many times have situations like these taken place in the privacy of their own homes??

If your familiar with Chris' background, I believe he, as well as myself, are products of our enviornment. And although we protest violence so much, it is easy to become the abuser because we are already familiar with the traits one must possess. I myself will NEVER be the victim again and that makes me short tempered, and violetile. Watching his mother be abused at the hands of his step-father may have set a precedent that he will probally spend the rest of his life trying to supress the urge to act on. We are accountable for our behaviors, and abuse is something that is a learned behavior that is passed down from generation to generation. People repeat what they see, if your hugged everyday and told that you are loved then I believe you will be a loving person, not always true in some circumstances. And if all you see is violence, all you experience is violence, I believe it is hard not to become a violent person.

I think people in any kind of abusive situation should seek conseling, and I think even though they are making an example out of Chris, I think it will be good for everyone out there who are abusive themselves. And I think Rihanna is doing what comes natural to her, but I dont think it sets a good example for the younger females who look up to her, who may be in the same situation. I believe it encourages victims to return to their abuser and in a sick sense makes it ok because they see that even as beautiful and successful as she is, it happens to her as well as them. It makes it normal and it's shouldnt be.

I understand that people say and do things to get a rise out of a person but you should be a bigger person and not repsond in a way to satisfy them. && If you ever feel like you need to lay hands on someone, you dont need to be with them. Point BLANK. PERIOD.

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