Forgiveness

I have no idea how to begin, I'm far from informed about this subject. I keep hearing that in order to be forgiven, you, yourself, my possess the ability to forgive. && Although I pride myself in forgiving those who have crossed me, broken my heart but I havent learned or even begin to process the real meaning of forgiveness.

I have been holding on to my past, to all the anger, the hurt and resentment, I hate who I have become and have placed so much blame for my unhappiness on my mother. Over the last 9 years she has been begging for my forgiveness for something that happened over 12 years ago. I dont even refer to her as my mother, when I was younger and people would ask me about her, I'd say she was dead. She would write me letters, and the few times she called she would cry in my ear about how she didnt mean to do it. When she is in town, I do my best to avoid any kind of contact with her. Strange because,although I'm much older now and can do a better job of protecting myself, I still have a fear of her, a fear that she will relapse and this time she will finish the job. I used to have panic attacks when someone would pass me who I thought resembled her. My aunt made sure we lived somewhere where she couldnt find me. I couldnt live with my grandmother because my mother was aware of where she lived and vowed to kill her.

I treat her mean, making sure to let her know that she wasnt there THEN, and I dont need her NOW. I've had talks with my great-grandmother, but there is nothing she can say to me to lift the weight off my heavy heart. I'm very very very sensitive when it comes to this subject. As I'm typing this I cant help but to cry. Because no matter how bad I want to, I'm not sure if I am capable of forgiving the person who abused me when I was just a child, the person who would starve me, who took me to the woods and told me to make a bed because this was where she was going to leave me, all alone. The person who tried to take away the life that she helped to create. She took away my innocence, she took away my childhood, she made me a very scarred, broken,loveless angry person.

Unless you grew up without a father, who for the past 12 years has been living in the same state as you, well aware that you've relocated to maryland and has made no attempt to contact you, unless you spent the first 10 years of your life physically and mentally abused by a mother who everyday let you know what a mistake you were and how at all costs you would not live to bear children; unless you spent the last 12 years always looking over your shoulder watching for a mother you exscaped from, being a hypercondriac because for SOOOOO many years you were told you wouldnt live to see 18, unless you've had those experiences, I wouldnt expect you to understand the depth of my sorrow.

When I graduated, I really didnt know what I wanted to do with my life, I was surprised to even have made it that far. I didnt want children because I didnt want to be like HER* So envious of anyone who had any kind of relationship with their mother because I didnt have one. How do I forgive her?? && Furthermore, how do I forgive myself??

I feel so responsible for what has happened to her. Because of ME she spent several years in jail, has been heavily medicated, lived on the streets for some time and had NO communication with her own family up until about 3 years ago. I feel so sorry for her. I cant imagine not having any contact with your own family, having both your sister and brother pretend you dont exist, having a grandmother who suffered ridicule for your behavior, that she was aware of. To have children who refuse to go anywhere near you and a grandchild you will never in this lifetime know. I took away her life because she tried to take mine.

Deep down I love her, I always will. She was mentally ill at them time she did what she did. I'm angry with god, why would he put us through this, damage me so, take away any life she may have had, why would such a caring, forgiving person like himself allow those things to happen?? How do I forgive?? How do I let go of all the resentment I feel.

I'm tired of being mad at the world, I dont want her to die thinking I hate her, because I dont. Tired of crying, feeling sorry for myself, living in my past, how can I let go?? It's been 12 years, I should be OVER this, moving on with my life, where do I begin?? I dont want sympathy, I just want to get a better understanding of why these things took place in my life, why am I still here?? What's my purpose and how does it relate to the abuse?? I want so badly to not just exist anymore...but to LIVE MY LIFE.